BEST OF SCHEMES, THE
(Harry Gifford / Fred Cliffe)

as recorded by George Formby
October 11th 1944


For one hundred pounds,
A lot though it sounds,
The channel I bet that I'd swim.
I'm a rascal for sports,
So in my little shorts
I turned up full of vim!
I said to myself, "I'm fine,
And the money's as good as mine!

But the best of schemes will often go wrong,
They often go wrong with me!
I jumped in the water, but it all was in vain,
'Twas so cold and wet, I jumped out again!

Although I froze,
I said, "Here goes!",
And started good and strong.
I swam for fourteen hours with the sea like a lake,
I reached the other side and said, "The money I'll take!"
And then I found I'd swam the Serpentine by mistake,
And another good scheme went wrong!

I used to live swell
At a hotel,
And there a young lady stayed too.
So lovely was she,
I said, "This is me,
I'll have to see more of you!"
Quite well with her I shaped,
And she guessed I'd got something taped!

But the best of schemes will often go wrong,
They often go wrong with me!
She gave me the glad as on the stairs we both passed,
I said to myself, "He-he, I've clicked at last!"

I thought I'd bluff
The caveman stuff,
My love was growing strong.
That night I watched and waited till I heard her retire,
Then crept along the landing in me scanty attire,
But just as I got to her door the hotel caught fire,
And another good scheme went wrong!




(Transcribed by Peter Akers - March 2017)