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CARMEN MURDERED Spike Jones & His City Slickers - 1953 Hello, music lovers, this is Spike Jones inviting you to come with us to the opera house for a City Slicker performance of the opera Carmen. The conductor ascends the podium, stamps his foot for attention - and from the basement he conducts the overture. As the curtain rises on act one, we see the outside of the Seville bubble gum factory. The happy bubble gum girls are singing: We're the girls, yes we're the girls that make the best bubble gum Chew our gum, you'll never stop All day long you'll pop and pop You'll blow and blow Until at last you blow your top Carmen enters. She is a beautiful girl who weighs 300 pounds. She is supposed to fill out the role of the soprano. She not only fills it out, she overflows it. Carmen sings of her new sweetheart, Escapillow the Toreador. I'm in love, I'm in love with a wonderful man She's in love with a wonderful man And his name is Escapillow He has eyes, they're the cutest that I've ever seen One is blue and the other is green And the middle one is yellow When you go out and dance, does he hold you near? No, no, no! Well, does he whisper words of love in your ear? No, no, no! Does he enjoy peachypooh? Ah ah! What does this toreador do? All he likes to do is throw the bull Does this toreador like to spark When he's holding you close in the dark? No, no, no! No, no, no! No, no, no! No, no, nooooooooo! (Heeew!) All I know is all he likes to do is throw the bull Throw the bull? Throw the bull! Carmen hits a note so high that she cracks the record (click) the record (click) the record (click) the record (click) the record (click) the record And they're off for act two. Carmen sings the well known bravachi pizzicato poco allegro moderato from the third movement of the andante allegretto. Aahhhhhh! Exhausted she returns to her dressing room. While she is resting, the soldiers march into town. We hear the band in the distance. Don Schmosť is in command. I'm the famous Don Schmosť Army life is good, I say But, oh, how I hate to march 'Cause somebody soaked his shorts in starch Now I'm gonna drill my men Make them march from eight to ten I'll make them march till they sweat If we do, we're sure to get... Don Schmosť sees Carmen for the first time. She is crying. The tears are running down her ears. You see, her eyes are very far apart. He feels sorry for her, and ask her to marry him, as he sings: As he sings: Ahem, I said: As He Sings: NOW, YOU BONEHEAD! Carmen, darling, please marry me Oh, be my little bumble bee You're the honey that'll sweeten our lives Instead of children we'll both have hives They'll both have hives I can not marry you, my Don 'Cause I'm in love with another one He fights the bull in the arena I could do that if I ate Farina Oh, no, you couldn't Oh, yes, I could Oh, no, you couldn't Oh, yes, I could Oh, no, you couldn't Oh, yes, I could Oh, no, you couldn't Oh, yes, I could The toreador's for me Oh, no, that cannot be The toreador's for meeeee Oh, no, that cannot beeeee The toreador's for me ........... I love him so Oh, no, eeeev eeeev (cough) She's right, Schmosť, the toreador's for her. The curtain goes up for act three. Aaaahhh. Oops, pulled it up too soon. Anyway, Carmen goes to the gypsy camp, to have her fortune told. The gypsy band finishes playing, and all the gypsies take off their earmuffs. Carmen finds an old gypsy, and asks him to tell her fortune. She wants to know, who she's going to marry, Don Schmosť or Escapillow. Oh, Gypsy, will you look and see What future is in store for me Give me your hand and keep it calm and I will try and read your palm This might sound odd and quite ridiculous be careful with my palm, I'm ticklish That does sound odd and quite ridiculous Oh, yes, it's true, I'm very ticklish I'm very very very very ticklish I see by... Hahahahahaa You soon will... Hahahahahaa And you'll have... Hahahhahahaa Or maybe even four or five Then you will... Hahahahahaa And he'll be... Hahahahahaa Then what will... Hahahahahaa It's really great to be alive What did I... Heeheeheeheeheee When will I... Heheheheheee Or will he... Hahahahahaaa You know something, you're ticklish, too Hahaha Haa. Hahahahahaa Heeheehee Heeheee. Hahahahahaa Hehehe He he he. Hahahahahaa Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaa Ha ha ha heeheeheeheeee Ho ho ho teeheeheeheeee Ha ha ha teeheeheeheeee Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaa Ha ha ha heeheeheeheeee Ho hohohoho teeheeheeheeee Hahahaha teeheeheeheeee. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaa Ha ha ha hahaha ha ha ha hahaha ha ha ha hahaha ha ha ha hahaha ha Act three ends. Carmen exits to cure her hiccups, and the curtain comes down. Unfortunately it misses her. Carmen doesn't know which one to marry, Escapillow or Don Schmosť, so she writes a letter on her typewriter to Escapillow the Toreador, telling him of her plan. Here's what I've decided to do There'll be a bullfight between you two The bullfight will start at four You will be the toreador Don Schmosť will dress up so He'll be the bull you'll try to throw With the winner I'll spend my life The loser gets some other wife The finale takes place in a bullfighting arena. In one corner we have Escapillow the Toreador, weighing 240 pounds. In the other corner Don Schmosť, dressed up as the bull, weighing 32 pounds. And there's the bell for the first round. There's Don Schmosť he's dressed up as the bull Now Escapillow gives his tail a pull Escapillow's scared of being gored So he takes out his sword He prances, swing and sway At Don Schmosť Who's getting pretty bored Don Schmosť goes back to his dressing room. He decides to double- cross Escapillow by sending in a real bull, but Don Schmosť is nearsighted, and instead he sends in a cow. And there's the bell for round two. Escapillow drowns in the milk. He dies a grade A death. Don Schmosť wins Carmen, and as the final curtain comes down, they each put a piece of bubble gum in their mouths, and we see them chewing their way off into the distance.

    


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