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DON'T PUT YOUR DAUGHTER ON THE STAGE, MRS. WORTHINGTON From Noel Coward On The Air - 1947 (Noel Coward) Noel Coward (He speaks: Some years ago when I was returning from the Far East on a very large ship, I was pursued around the decks every day by a very large lady. She showed me some photographs of her daughter – a repellant-looking girl and seemed convinced that she was destined for a great stage career. Finally, in sheer self-preservation, I locked myself in my cabin and wrote this song – “Don’t Put Your Daughter On The Stage, Mrs. Worthington”.) Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington Don’t put your daughter on the stage The profession is overcrowded The struggle’s pretty tough And admitting the fact she’s burning to act That isn’t quite enough She’s a nice girl and though her teeth are fairly good She’s not the type I ever would be eager to engage I repeat, Mrs. Worthington, sweet Mrs. Worthington Don’t put your daughter on the stage Regarding yours, dear Mrs. Worthington Of Wednesday, the 23rd. Although your baby may be keen on a stage career How can I make it clear that this is not a good idea For her to hope and appear, Mrs. Worthington Is on the face of it absurd Her personality is not in reality quite big enough, inviting enough For this particular sphere Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington Don’t put your daughter on the stage She’s a bit of an ugly duckling, you must honestly confess And the width of her seat would surely defeat Her chances of her success It’s - it’s a loud voice, and though it’s not exactly flat She’ll need a little more than that to earn a living wage On my knees, Mrs. Worthington, please Mrs. Worthington Don’t put your daughter on the stage Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington Don’t put your daughter on the stage Though they said at the school of acting She was lovely as Peer Gynt I’m afraid, on the whole, an ingenue role might emphasize her squint She has nice hands, to give the wretched girl her due But don’t you think her bust is too developed for her age No more buts, Mrs. Worthington, nuts! Mrs. Worthington Don’t put your daughter on the stage

    



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