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DOWN OUR STREET (Sammy King) Mike Harding - 1975 Also recorded by: The Fivepenny Piece; The Worzels; Rosie Stewart; Tommy Mulvahillon; Garva (vocal by Terry Coyne); The Black Family. Do you want to hear what ev'ry bugger says? Down our street Strangers there they end up dead Down our street Me Mum and Dad and the gang of fools They've all went out on the booze Skin and whiskers flyin' loose Down our street A copper once he hit me Dad Down our street Says me Dad, “There'll be a funeral, lad” Down our street They took off their coats to fight one round When me Dad got off the ground A copper’s nose was all they found Down our street Altogether......Down our street There are married men and women there Dancin' mad in the midnight air Lots of jawbones missin', where? Down our street SPOKEN: Bit o' flash that was. I was gonna do one of Rachmaninov's actually, but........... he never does none o' my gear (Laughter). Two kids in school arguin' one day down our street. There's two kids arguin'an' the teacher said, "What you arguin' about, you two?" He said, "It's 'im, Sir, he's stupid." He said, "Whatd'ya mean?" He said, "Well, you sort it out, Sir. What's the diff'rence, Sir, between a lobster and a crab?" He said, "Crabs walk sideways." The kid turned round and said, "There y'are, you've got lobsters, I told ya them was lobsters" (Laughter). Well, the tallyman does a beltin' trade Down our street Ev'ry buggers bought, but no one's paid Down our street And when he tries to get his own He’s dead before he's 'it the ground We’re buildin' a graveyard of our own Down our street The Sally band come round last night Down our street They were going to teach us wrong from right Down our street And when the sisters began to moan The Captain spoke in a subtle tone He were 'it on the head by a big 'ambone Down our street SPOKEN: Bit more flash there. Only on one finger that time. This is a true story this, you know. Yeah, t'is. I 'ad a job as a teacher once, y'know. It wasn't my fault. I was stood there outside the school (LAUGHTER), stood there outside the school and this woman came out, I was only 'idin' from the rain, and this woman came out. She said, "Two of ev'rything you should 'ave?" I said, "Yes" (LAUGHTER). She said, "Right, you'll do, get in there." A ball o' chalk and forty kids, it was great. I ad 'em all makin' paper flowers all week. I used to sell 'em at the weekend round the doors, you know (LAUGHTER). "Read your fortune, Missus, paper flowers." It was great, and then one day I decided I was gonna teach 'em art, 'cause I like art meself, and that's what I decided. I said, "Just imagine, children, we'll start with the human body", I thought that's easy enough, they've got it near enough to them, you can (LAUGHTER) draw that. I said, "Just imagine, children, the human body is perfectly balanced. If you draw a line down the human body", I said, "there's an eye on each side of that line, two ears, two arms, two legs, and the nose is right in the middle of it all, marvellous." I said, "What a marvellous piece of machinery the human body is. Now, just imagine you've got one more of somethin'. Suppose, for example, just imagine you've got an extra eye, where'dya think it would be?" Well, straight away this kid at the back of the class, never answered a question in years, never, always gigglin' an' smokin' an' that (LAUGHTER)......his 'and shot up, he said, "Sir, me Sir, aw Sir, I know Sir, me, me, why don't you ask me, I got a good'un, me Sir" (LAUGHTER). And all 'is mates are sayin', "What is it?" and he's tellin' 'em, and they're all goin' heh-heh-heh-heh-heh (LAUGHTER), and all liftin' up their desk lids and gigglin' be'ind 'em, you know (LAUGHTER). So I thought 'no damper pal, definitely, benito finito, nothin' on there, kid.' So I asked this little girl, Jennifer. She was smashin', Jennifer, lovely little kid. She used to empty all the ashtrays and ev'rythin', you know (LAUGHTER). I said, "Jennifer, just imagine you've got another eye, where d'you think it would be? "If I had another eye, Mister Harding, it would be on the top of me 'ead, and then I could see all the blossoms in the trees and all the clouds in the sky, and the stars and the Moon, and the birds." I said, "Very good. That's smashin', Jennifer. Here's a Park Drive, sit down again luv," (LAUGHTER) I said. There's a kid there, and there's a kid there, kid there called Rodney. Rodney, he were dead rich like, but 'e was thick, you know. He's an MP now, this kid (LAUGHTER). He 'elped to design Manchester's new City Centre, you know, and apparantly the architect was savaged to death by his guide dog last week. I don't know how true that is (LAUGHTER). Anyway, I said to Rodney, I said, You've got another eye, Rodney." He said, "I've got two, Sir." I said, "No, just imagine you've got another one." (LAUGHTER) He said, "Okay, Sir." It's what's called Nuffield creative expression, that is (LAUGHTER). I said, "Just imagine you've got another eye." He said, "Okay, Sir," he said, "I think if I 'ad another eye," he said, "I think it would be on the back o'me 'ead. Then I could see where I was wentin' from as well as comin' again" (LAUGHTER). Never heard him say so may words, I thought (LAUGHTER) great, I said, "Great, now sit down," and this kid at the back is still givin' it rise at the back o' the class, "Aw Sir, me Sir, You never ask me Sir, you never..." and I thought 'well, I gotta ask him, haven't I'. I couldn't even remember his name. He were only there three days a year, this kid (LAUGHTER). I said "Alright wotsit, um, what is it?" He said, "If I had another eye, me," and he started smirkin' then (LAUGHTER), and I knew I was finished (LAUGHTER). He said, "If I had another eye, me, it would be on the end o' me willy," and it all went dead quiet (LAUGHTER). And then all these little girls all went, "Eeeaaagghh, he said 'willy' Mister Hardin' (LAUGHTER), and he smokes in the bike shed" (LAUGHTER). And I'm stood there, I'm sayin', and the 'eadmaster's walkin' passed lookin' over the frosted glass, you know, and I'm tryin' to keep 'em quiet, "Yes, yes, yes, shut up" (LAUGHTER), and they quietened down a bit, and this kid started smirkin' again, he said "Aren't you gonna ask me why?" (LAUGHTER). I thought 'you would, you little....' (LAUGHTER), yeah. I said, "Of course I'm gonna ask you, of course, well, you've got other eye and it's on, it's where you told me" (LAUGHTER). I said, "Why?" He looked 'round and he said, "If I had another eye, and it was on the end o' my willy, I could go down Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon and push it through the railings and watch for nothin'" (LAUGHTER). It's true, that, it's true. Now, when winter comes, it's bloody cold Down our street And we burn the doors 'cos we got no coal Down our street And when the cupboard it gets bare They say that tomcat tastes like hare The Alsatians all walk round in pairs Down our street Altogether......Down our street There are married men and women there Dancin' mad in the midnight air Lots of jawbones missin', where? Down our street SPOKEN: Before I sing the last verse, thanks very much for 'avin' me. Any young lady who's accosted on the way out by a bloke carryin' a guitar , and a concertina, and tremblin' slightly......it's for your own good (LAUGHTER). And before I finish, here's a thought from the Bible that'll help you on your way through life......A bird in the 'and does it on your wrist (LAUGHTER). And last of all, a message for all shipping in the Oldham area......... Bugger off, there's no water! (LAUGHTER). Now, the bedbugs they're all ten feet tall Down our street They eat the paper off the walls Down our street They bite the women and thump the men And if you're not in bed by half past ten They come downstairs and they fetch you then Down our street Altogether......Down our street There are married men and women there Dancin' mad in the midnight air Lots of jawbones missin', where? Down our street Last time.......Down our street There are married men and women there Dancin' mad in the midnight air Lots of jawbones missin', where? Down our street (APPLAUSE) Thanks a lot......Thanks a lot......Goodnight (APPLAUSE). (Transcribed from a 1976 Mike Harding live recording by Mel Priddle - March 2010)

    


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