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END OF MY OLD CIGAR, THE (R P Weston / Worton David 1914) Now twenty Christmases ago the landlord of "The Star" Said, "Here's a Christmas box for you a ninepenny cigar". I smok'd it up till Easter, then my dear devoted wife Said, "Why not throw the end away?" I said "Not on your life!". With the end of my old cigar, hoorah! hoorah! hoorah! I stroll up Picadilly, and they fancy I'm the Shah. I've kept it now for twenty years to do the "La di da", And I'd rather lose my job than lose the end of my old cigar. The other Whitsun Monday we all toddled to the zoo. I puff'd away at my cigar and chok'd the kangaroo. And then I saw an animal that caus'd a lot of chaff, 'Twas called the "Umgazoozelum", and just to make it laugh, With the end of my old cigar, hoorah! hoorah! hoorah! I tickled it beneath the chin, and then the wife's mamma Cried out,"It hasn't got a tail, It does look singular!". So I borrowed a pin and I stuck on the end of my old cigar. I went to see Lord Kitchener a week or two ago, I said, "I've got a great idea to kill the German foe". I said, "If you send me out there, I'll stop their swank and bluff". Then just to show my dignity, I took another puff, With the end of my old cigar, hoorah! hoorah! hoorah! I said, "You leave this war to me, old cock and there you are. If I can't kill 'em off with shells, they'll get a nasty jar. I'll poison the the whole darn'd lot of them with the end of my old cigar". I used to be a sailor, but when I was on the sea, The vessel struck upon a rock just off the Zuyder Zee. The captain yelled, "We're sinking!", but I said, "You're up the pole!", And soon they saw your humble servant bunging up the hole. With the end of my old cigar, hoorah! hoorah! hoorah! I bunged the hole up in the ship and saved each jolly tar; But soon they shouted, "Fire!", but the cabin boy said, "Bah! He's under the boat and puffing away at the end of his old cigar". To help the Prince of Wales' Fund, and do our little share, We gave a swell bazaar down at the mission room, and there My wife was selling kisses to the dukes and earls, it's true. She charged them half a sov'reign each, and I was helping too. With the end of my old cigar, hoorah! hoorah! hoorah! We got the Prince of Wales a thousand pounds at our bazaar. The wife was selling kisses to the swells at "half a bar", And I was running a peepshow with the end of my old cigar. As I was coming home one night I saw a house on fire. I thought I'd show my courage that the ladies all admire; So I climbed up a ladder, and the flames began to fight, Then just to show how cool I was, I stopped to get a light For the end of my old cigar, hoorah! hoorah! hoorah! Then all at once my missus shouted, "Wake up, can't you, pa! I told you not to smoke in bed, you fool, and there you are, You've burnt a hole in your nightshirt with the end of your old cigar". I went to good old Southend, and when night began to fall, I thought I'd go and have a swim behind a cocktail stall. But there I found a lady who'd been washed up on the shore; She'd nothing on but seaweed, so I took another draw. At the end of my old cigar, hoorah! hoorah! hoorah! She shouted out to me, "Oh, sir! I don't know who you are, But give me something, do, to put around my fig-ah!", So I gave her the "band" I'd taken off the end of my old cigar. (Contributed by Peter Akers - January 2016)

    


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