LI'L ABNER (The Musical)
(Gene de Paul / Johnny Mercer)
OVERTURE
(Instrumental)
*****
A TYPICAL DAY
Soloists: It's a typical day
In Dogpatch, USA.
Where typical folks
Do things in a typical way.
First we rubs the sleep from our eyes,
Get's our grub, and shoos 'way the flies.
We spend what's negotiable,
Then we gets sociable,
Sittin' around swappin' lies!
And then we drops by to collect unemployment pay!
All: Which leads us to say it's a typical day
In Dogpatch, USA!
Lonesome Polecat: Lonsome Polecat, Indian Brave!
Hairless Joe: Hairless Joe, me needum a shave!
Both: We livin' an' sleepin' n' doin' housekeepin' in big subterranian cave!
While Kickapoo Joy Juice we makeum is heap "grade A!"
Skraggs: Take us boys what's known as the Skraggs,
Mammy said she had us as gags!
Can't git that depressin' an' homely unlessin' ya comes from a long line o' hags!
There ain't any widders or orphans we won't betray!
Moonbeam: Howdy boys, I'm Moonbeam McSwine,
Sleepin' out with the pigs is my line.
The fellas admire me,
But they don't squire me
Unless the weather is fine!
But I does allright when the wind blows the other way!
All: Which leads us to say it's a typical day, in Dogpatch, USA...It's a typical day
(echo: it's a typical day) in Dogpatch, USA! Where typical folks: echo: typical folks)
Does things in a typical way!
Marryin' Sam: You ain't no friend t' Marryin' Sam,
If your name is Sir or Madam.
But if you're a bachelor,
Pack up yer satchel or I'll have you pushin' a pram!
For fifteen cents extra I'll furnish the bride's bouquet!
All: Which leads us to say it's a typical day, in Dogpatch, US...
Earthquake: Step aside for Earthquake McGoon!
Bustin' out all over like June!
I stands on the corner,
Enormous n' ornery,
Makin' the fairer sex swoon!
Spoken: My secret desire is to tangle with Daisy Mae!
Daisy Mae:Like he said, my name's Daisy Mae!
Cuz my ma, she planned it that way.
My one aim in life is to be a good wife,
And marry Li'l Abner someday!
All: She's practicin' up chasin' gophers an' antelopes!
She ain't never caught Li'l Abner, but she's got hopes!
Pappy: Mammy here's sassiety's queen,
And she heads the local machine.
Mammy: I'se sweet but I'se mystical,
And pugilistical,
Matter of fact the champeen!
Both: Li'l Abner we has both learned,
Still don't know how money gets earned.
His heart is the tenderest,
But neuter-genderest,
Far as young gals is concerned!
Abner: I gets purty tired of runnin' from Daisy Mae!
All: Which leads us to say it's a typical day, in Dogpatch, USA!!!!
*****
IF I HAD MY DRUTHERS
If I had my druthers,
I'd druther have my druthers
Than anything else I know
While you'd druther hustle
accumulatin' muscle
I'd druther watch daisies grow.
While they're growin' slow
'n the summer breeze is blowin'
My heart is overflowin' 'n so;
If I had my druthers
I'd druther have my druthers
than anything else I know.
If I had my druthers,
I'd druther have my druthers
Than work any wheres at all
It ain't that I hates it,
I often contemplates it
while watchin' the rain drops fall
I sits there for hours,
developin' my powers
a figurin' how flowers gets tall
If I had my druthers
I'd druther have my druthers
than anything else at all.
*****
JUBILATION T. CORNPONE
When we fought the Yankees and annihilation was near,
Who was there to lead the charge that took us safe to the rear?
Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
Old "Toot your own horn - pone."
Jubilation T. Cornpone, a man who knew no fear!
When we almost had 'em but the issue still was in doubt,
Who suggested the retreat that turned it into a rout?
Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
Old "Tattered and torn - pone."
Jubilation T. Cornpone, he kept us hidin' out!
With our ammunition gone and faced with utter defeat,
Who was it that burned the crops and left us nothing to eat?
Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
Old "September Morn - pone."
Jubilation T. Cornpone, the pants blown off his seat!
HURRAY!
When it seemed like our brave boys would keep on fighting for months,
Who took pity on them and ca-pit-u-lated at once?
Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone; Unshaven and shorn - pone.
Jubilation T. Cornpone, he weren't nobody's dunce!
Who went re-con-noiter-ing to flank the enemy's rear,
Circled through the piney woods, and disappeared for a year?
Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
Old "Treat 'em with scorn - pone."
Jubilation T. Cornpone, the missing mountaineer!
Who became so famous with a reputation so great,
That he ran for president and didn't carry a state?
Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
Old "Wouldn't be sworn - pone."
Jubilation T. Cornpone, he made the country wait!
Stonewall Jackson got his name by standing firm in the fray.
Who was known to all his men as good ol' "Paper Mache?"
Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
*****
Jubilation T. Cornpone, he really saved the day!
REPRISE ( FINALE ):
Though he's gone to his reward, his mighty torch is still lit.
First in war. First in peace. First to holler, "I quit!"
Jubilation T. Cornpone;
*****
Jubilation T. Cornpone, he really saved the day!
MOVIE VERSES:
History says that General Grant was pretty good with a jug,
Who went drink for drink with him and wound up under the rug?
Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
Passed out until morn - pone.
Jubilation T. Cornpone, his whiskers in his mug!
Hearing that a Northern spy had come to town for the night,
Who gained entrance to her room and lost the glorious fight?
Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
Old "Weary and worn - pone."
Jubilation T. Cornpone, he fought all through the night!
There at Appomatox Lee and Grant were present, of course.
As Lee swept a tear away, who swept the back of his horse?
Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
*****
Jubilation T. Cornpone, a picture of remorse!
(Contributed by Tom Ritter - January 2004)
*****
DON'T THAT TAKE THE RAG OFF'N THE BUSH
From the Broadway Show "Li'l Abner" (1956)
(Johnny Mercer /Gene De Paul)
SPOKEN: Just remember, your Government is spending
one million dollars on one bomb just to blow your
homes off the face of the Earth. So show your
'preciation........
Don't that take the rag off'n the bush?
Don't that take the tassel off'n the corn?
Of all the very ordinary most unloved unneccesary
Places on this earth they settled on your'n
They settled on your'n
As sho' as you're born
They settled on your'n
?????? ?????? ????? ????? ????? ?????
Will they take the huckleberry pie?
They don't wanna rest thinkin' we is the best
If ????? ????? ????? ????? ?????
Don't that take the tail off'n the bear?
Don't that take the heffer out of the barn?
Of all the very ordinary, most unloved, unnecessary
Places on this earth, the fav'rite is our'n
The fav'rite is our'n
????? ????? ????? ?????
The fav'rite is our'n.......DOG PATCH!
(Dance Routine)
Don't that take the beard off'n a goat?
Don't that take the nap off'n the yarn?
Of all the very ordinary, most unloved, unneccesary
Places on this earth, the fav'rite is our'n
Don't that take the rag off'n the bush?
Don't that take the tassel off'n the corn?
Of all the very ordinary, most unloved, unneccesary
Places on this earth, the fav'rite is our'n......DOG PATCH!
(Transcribed by Tom Ritter & Mel Priddle - February 2004)
*****
NAMELY YOU
You deserve a boy who's willin', namely me.
One who'd love to raise my chillun, namely me.
Comin' home when the work is over at the close of day.
I'd be with you all the way, to love, honor, and obey.
'Cause you deserve two arms to hold you, namely mine.
There to comfort and enfold you, Rain or shine.
I deserve someone sweet and tender, bashful and shy and true.
And I know just the one who'll do, namely you.
Who's the one you're waiting for?
You're the one that I adore!
I deserve someone sweet and tender, bashful and shy and true.
And I know just the one who'll do, namely you.
*****
UNNECESSARY TOWN
From the show "Li'l Abner" (1956)
(Gene de Paul / Johnny Mercer)
Oh it's unnecessary
Just a speck on the map
Where the trail from the Smokies
Reaches old Gopher Gap
With the sheep in the meadow
And the bees in the comb
Oh, it's unnecessary
But it's home, sweet home
Oh it's unnecessary
Just a small little town
With the stars in the willow
And the moon beaming down
It's a rose by the fireside
Long endured ???? ????
Oh it's unnecessary
But it's home, sweet home
With the sheep in the meadow
And the bees in the comb
Oh, it's unnecessary
But it's home, sweet home
(Transcribed by Monique Adriaansen & Mel Priddle - January 2004)
*****
WHAT'S GOOD FOR GENERAL BULLMOOSE
(Parts 1 & 2)
Part 1:
General Bullmoose:
(Speaking
What’s good for General Bullmoose is what’s good for the U.S.A.
And by Dow Jones and all their little averages,
Don’t you forget it! Right, boys?
Men:
(Singing)
Right!
Three rousing rahs and a few hussahs
And a hip-hip-hip hooray
What’s good for General Bullmoose
Is good for the U.S.A.
Part 2:
General Bullmoose:
(Speaking)
We’ll show these hillbillies what’s what!
Right, boys?
All but General:
(Singing)
Right!
He makes the rules
And he intends to keep it thataway
What’s good for General Bullmoose
Is good for the U.S.A.
(Transcribed by Carlene Bogle - March 2004)
*****
THE COUNTRY'S IN THE VERY BEST OF HANDS
Them city folks and friends
Are pretty much alike
Though they ain't used to living in the sticks
We don't like stone or cement
But we is in agreement
When we get started talking politics
The country's in the very best of hands
The best of hands
The best of hands
The treasury says the national debt
Is climbing to the sky
And government expenditures
Have never been so high
It makes a fellow get a
Gleam of pride when they decide
To see how our economy expands
The country's in the very best of hands
The country's in the very best of hands
The best of hands
The best of hands
You oughtta hear the senate
When their drawing up a bill
Where asses and dimwits are crowded in each conisil (sp.)
Such legal terminology
Would give your heart a thrill
There's phrases there that no one understands
The country's in the very best of hands
The building boom, they say
Is getting bigger every day
And when I asked a feller
How could everybody pay
He come up with an answer
That made everything okay
Supplies are getting greater than demands
The country's in the very best of hands
Don't you believe them congressmen
And senators are dumb
When they run into problems
That is tough to overcome
They just declare something
They call the moritorium
The upper and the lower house dismans
The country's in the very best of hands
Fox Motors is connected to the nominee
The nominee's connected to the treasury
When he ain't connected to the treasury
He sits around on his thigh bone
He sits around in his fancy car
This big congressional parking lot
Just sits around on the you know what
'Cause there they calls it their thigh bone
Them bones, them bones
Gonna rise again
Gonna excercise a franchise again
Gonna tax us up to our eyes again
When he gets them off of their thigh bone
The country's in the very best of hands
The best of hands
The best of hands
The farm bill should be
Eight-nine percent paroty
And all their fellow recommends
It should be mound at three
But eighty, ninety-five percent who cares about decree
It's paroty that no one understands
The country's in the very best of hands
Them GOP's and democrats
Each hates the other one
They's always criticizing
How the country should be run
But neither tell the public
What the others gone and done
As long as no one knows
Where no one stands
The country's in the very best of hands
They sits around and just place their ass
Where folks in congress has always sat
Just sits around on their excess bag
Up there they calls it their thigh bone
They sits around till they starts to snore
Jumps up and hollers
I has the floor
Then sits right down where they sats before
Up there they calls it their thigh bone
Them bones, them bones
Gonna cross again
So dignified and so wise again
While the budget doubles in size again
When it gets them off of their thigh bone
The country's in the very best of hands
The best of hands
The best of hands
The money that they taxes us
That's known as revenues
They compound up collaterals
Subtracts the residue
Don't worry about the principal
And interest it encrues
They're shipping all that stuff to foreign lands
The country's in the very best of hands
(Transcribed by Carlene Bogle - 2002)
*****
OH, HAPPY DAY
Oh happy day when miracles take place, and scientists control the human race.
When we assume authority of human chromosomes;
And assembly line women, conveyor belt men,
Settle down in push button homes.
Oh happy day when all the cells conform, and the exceptional becomes the norm.
When from a test tube we produce gargantuas or gnomes,
And assembly line babies, conveyor belt storks,
Only come to push button homes.
So much o’this, so much o’that, for the ears and eyes.
So much o’that, so much o’this for the toes and thighs.
Pour in a pot, stir up a lot, that’s the basic plan.
What have we got, I’ll tell you what – we’ve got man made man!
Oh happy day when we can choose their looks, from formulae in scientific books.
And add their personalities from psychiatric tomes.
And assembly line husbands, conveyor belt wives,
Settle down in push button homes.
Oh happy day when all the world can see, a healthy, hearty, hale humanity.
When even tired bus’ness men have hair up on their domes;
Slender-ella type mothers; and muscle beach dads. Living in gymnasium homes.
Oh happy day when in collective brains, no individuality remains.
We’ll be a race of busy bees in happy honeycombs;
With automaton couples, mechanical guests, getting gassed in self service homes.
Chick after chick, chick after chick, rolling off the line.
Chick after chick, chick after chick, in the same design.
Nobody thin, nobody fat, every body stacked.
We guarantee they’re gonna be firm and fully packed!
Oh happy day when boys and girls on dates, can tell electric’ly if they are mates.
If he goes for her kilowatts and she enjoys his ohms,
You can bet your magnetic, combustible shirt, they’ll wind up in high voltage homes.
(Transcribed by Tom Ritter - February 2004)
*****
WHAT'S GOOD FOR GENERAL BULLMOOSE
(Part 3)
General Bullmoose:
(Speaking)
Good. Then proceed as planned.
Right, boys?
All but General Bullmoose:
(Singing)
Right!
He calls the shots
And he expects to keep it thataway
What’s good for General Bullmoose
Is good for the U.S.A.
(Transcribed by Carlene Bogle - March 2004)
*****
IN SOCIETY
(Instrumental & Dance)
*****
I'M PAST MY PRIME
Daisy Mae
Marryin' Sam
I'm past my prime
What a shame
And I'm losin' time
Guess the old clock's run down
Seventeen last spring
My, what a wasted life
Still without a ring
When will you be a wife?
I'm past my peak
You're an early antique
Look at this physique
Just hear the old bones creak
Where there was a glow
There ain't a glow no more
Now the wrinkles show
Where art Thou Romeo?
Who'd think of marryin' an octogenarian,
Oh, me, oh, my
Eighty-seven year old hag
When you're in this position you'll lose your disposition
Oh, me, oh, my
All the time it's nag, nag, nag
Life's like a song
And the happiest thing
When you're young and strong
Most everyday is spring
But it's just a crime
You can't get off the time
When you're past your prime
You's past your prime
Gettin' grumpy and grey
You's on over time
Ain't making take-home pay
Every sun that sets
All through the day I frets
Brings ya more regrets
And larger silhouettes
You's climb the heights
I is over the hill
Of romantic nights
My hand has lost it's skill
Comes the cruel dawn
I's feelin' pale and drawn
Lover boy has gone
Dog gone!
I ask you who's elated when you's Methusilated
Oh, me, oh, my
Like a mummy underground
When you is antiquated ors/and dejectaquated
Oh, me, oh, my
They'd prefers you in the round
Life's just like pie
Huckleberry or peach?
When you're young and spry
Heaven's within your reach
But it's just a crime
How can it be sublime
When you're past your prime?
When you're past your prime?
When you're past your prime?
(Transcribed by sunshine917_32 - April 2003)
*****
LOVE IN A HOME
You can tell,
When you open the door!
You can tell,
If there’s love in a home!
Every table and chair seems to smile,
Do come in, come and stay for a while.
You almost feel you’ve been there once before,
By the shine and glow of the room!
And the clock seems to chime,
Come again anytime,
You’ll be welcome wherever you roam!
You can tell when there’s love in a home!
*****
PROGRESS IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL
Progress is the root of all evil.
Progress is the cause of it all.
Our living standard’s now so good, I had to change my neighborhood.
Where is Levitown?
Billionaires are getting old fashioned, labor is the new fangled craze.
These lousy basic minimums are getting so high,
The workers in the plant are living better than I,
My lawyers all advise me that it’s cheaper to die!
Bring back the good old days.
Progress is the root of all evil, Wall Street is the worst of the lot.
How can you break the market now?
The SEC will not allow - one little panic.
Money nowadays is no problem, not with all these new giveaways.
I went to see a television quiz show today,
I thought at least I’d wind up with a Caddy Coupe’
But dammit if they didn’t try to give me away!
Bring back the good old days.
Progress is the root of all evil, progress is the cause of it all.
The world has now progressed so far,
we don’t know where the hell we are – ask Harry Truman.
Gone are all the lovely Strauss waltzes, Rock ‘N Roll’s becoming the craze.
The modern generation’s taste is really complex.
The very thing we used to love it quickly rejects.
Whoever thought that outer space would overtake sex?
Bring back the good old days.
(Transcribed by Tom Ritter - February 2004)
*****
PUT 'EM BACK
Put 'em back
the way they wuz
oh, put 'em back the way they wuz.
They was dumb, they was heathen,
but at least they was breathin,
so whatever else you does,
Put 'em back the way they wuz!
Put 'em back [put em back]
The way they wuz [the way they wuz]
oh, put 'em back the way they wuz!
They was plumb unattractive,
but by gum, they was active,
so I beg you kindly 'cause,
put 'em back the way they wuz!
Put 'em back [put 'em back]
The way they wuz [they way they wuz]
oh, put 'em back the way they wuz!
They was not known for beauty,
but they sho done they duty,
and they made the boudior buzz!
Put 'em back the way they wuz!
They was long, lean, and lanky,
but they loved hanky-panky
they did things that outdone duz!
Put 'em back the way they wuz!
They wuz vile lookin' varments
wearing vile lookin' garments
but they knowed a his from huz...
put 'em back the way they wuz!
Put 'em back [put 'em back]
The way they wuz [they way they wuz]
oh, put 'em back the way they wuz!
They was no shakes as lovers,
but they warmed up the covers,
covered as they wuz with fuzz!
Put 'em back the way they wuz!
(Contributed by theatregal - February 2003)
*****
I WISH IT COULD BE (OTHERWISE)
Daisy Mae:
I wish it could be otherwise
Otherwise I’m sorry we met at all
I’m sorry we ever had to start with
Those wonderful dreams
You broke my heart with
I wish there was some other way
Like it is, our backs is against the wall
Just seems
Daisy Mae and Li’l Abner:
That fate put this heart of mine
Under some ancient sign
Or otherwise you’d still be mine
All mine
Or otherwise you’d still be mine
(Transcribed by Carlene Bogle - March 2004)
*****
DEARLY BELOVED (THE MATRIMONIAL STOMP)
Dearly beloved,
we is gathered her today HE'S STARTIN' TO
DEARLY BELOVED
To put an unfortunate, muzzuble critter away. BETTER' HE WUZ HUNG FIRST.
Remember poor Adam who got married and so it began,
That mizzuble race of creatures known as the married man. MARRIED MAN.
Then think about Sampson who was Israel's strongest male. THE STRONGEST
Til little devil a' went and gave him a "pony-tail". "PONY-TAIL"
State yo objections,
O' forever hold yo' peace, HE'S TELLIN' YOU!
STATE YOUR OBJECTIONS
You's singin' a genuine. Iron-clad, permanent lease. NEVER NO ESCAPE CLAUSE
Don't let me influence you in say'in those fatal words. FATAL WORDS!
Just let me remind you, getting married is for the birds. FOR THE BIRDS!
You gets up at the crack of dawn. THAT'S RIGHT!
Slops the hogs and y' mows the lawn. POOR SOUL!
Saws the wood and reforms the chores, UNN HUNNH!
While the rainy and wet out doors "A-CHEW"
You comes home to familiar scenes, AH, YES!
And a plate of familiar beans, "OH, NO"!
There's twenty-two screamin' kids, ALL MINE?
Makin' both of you flip yo' lids, WHAT ELSE?
You is jumpin' out of your skin, YOUR NERVES!
Then yo' mother-in-law moves in, FOR GOOD?
There's no place to rest yo' head, NO SIR!
'Cause there's other folks in yo' bed UNKNOWNS!
You has got to escape the noise FAT CHANCE!
So you has a drink with the boys 'BOUT TIME!
You proceeds to the Old Brass Rail, YOUR CHECK!
The police man throws you in jail, NO DOUGH!
You can't get a cent from your wife,
They incarcerate you for life,
Now, if you still wants this little gal as yo' lawful mate.
By the powers invested, I pronounce you man and ... WAIT!
(Transcribed by Tom Ritter - February 2004)
*****
THERE'S ROOM ENOUGH FOR US
He finished up, like he begun it
He went to Wahington to win a fight anad won it
Abner Yokum seen his duty and he done it
And there’s room enough for us.
(Transcribed by Tom Ritter - February 2004)
*****
THE WAY TO A MAN'S HEART
(not available yet)
*****
IT'S A NUISANCE HAVING YOU AROUND
(not available yet
*****
