NO ANCHOVIES PLEASE
Album : Love Stinks - 1980
(Written by Justman)
J. Geils Band


This is the story of a young couple in Portland, Maine.

While waiting for her husband Don to return home from work, she 
reaches for a can of anchovies. As she spreads the tiny fish across 
a piece of lettuce, she notices a small note at the bottom of the 
can. Written on it is a telephone number. Curious, she dials, and is 
told, "Don't move, lady, we'll be right over." Placing the phone 
back on the hook, she turns to see three
smartly dressed men standing in her kitchen doorway. Before she 
realizes what is happening to her, she is rolled tightly in long 
sheets of cellophane, transported to an international airport, and 
placed on a waiting jet-liner. All this being too much for her to 
comprehend, she passes out.

Upon awakening, she finds herself in a strange, foreign speaking 
nation ("Dalas nekcihc dna tihs nekcihc neewteb ecnereffid eht wonk 
ot suineg a ekat t'nseod ti."). Alone, fearing her escape 
impossible, she seeks comfort in the arms of a confidential agent. 
With the trace of her kiss still warm upon his lips, he betrays her 
to the hands of three scientists who are
engaged in diabolical, avant-garde experiments previously performed 
only on insects and other small, meaningless creatures. Using her as 
their subject, they are delighted with the results. For the first 
time, a human being is transformed into a ("shhh... it's secret").

Meanwhile, back in Portland, Maine...

Her husband Don, now chain-smoking 40 packs of cigarettes a day, 
sits at a local bar and has a few beers with the regulars. Bored, 
everyone's attention turns to the television set that just hangs 
from the wall. ("Welcome to Bowling for Dollars"). Suddenly, crazy 
Al says, "S-say, Don, there sure is something familiar about that 
bowling ball." To which a terrified Don replies, "Oh my God! That 
bowling ball! It's my wife!"

And the lesson we learn from this story is, next time you place your 
order, don't forget to say, "No anchovies please."