OH !  WHAT A LOVELY WAR
Book: Charles Chilton - 1963


Row, Row, Row

Young Johny Jones he had a cute little boat
And all the girlies he would take for a float.
He had girlies on the shore,
Sweet little peaches by the score-
But master Johny was a wis'un, you know,
His steady girl was Flo
And every Sunday afternoon
She'd jump in his boat
And they would spoon

And then he'd row, row, row
Way up the river he would row, row, row
A hug he'd give her
Then he'd kiss her now and then
She would tell him when,
They'd fool around and fool around
And then they'd kiss again.
And then he'd row, row, row
A little further he would go, oh, oh, oh,
Then he'd drop both his oars
Take a few more encores,
And then he'd row, row, row.

(repeat the chorus until...)

A little further he would go, oh, oh, oh,
Then we'll drop both our oars
Take a round of applause,
And then we'll go, go, go.


*****


Belgium put the kaibosh on the Kaiser

A silly German sausage
Dreamt Napoleon he'd be,
Then he went and broke his promise,
It was made in Germany.
He shook hands with Britannia
And eternal peace he swore,
Naughty boy, he talked of peace
While he prepared for war.
He stirred up little Serbia
To serve his dirty tricks
But naughty nights at Li?ge
Quite upset this Dirty Dick.
His luggage labeled 'England'
And his programme nicely set,
He shouted 'First stop Paris',
But he hasn't got there yet.

For Belgium put the kibosh on the Kaiser;
Europe took the stick and made him sore;
On his throne it hurts to sit,
And when John Bull starts to hit,
He will never sit upon it any more.

His warships sailed upon the sea,
They looked a pretty sight
But when they heard the bulldog bark
They disappeared from sight.
The Kaiser said 'Be careful,
If by Jellicoe they're seen,
Then every man-of-war I've got
Will be a submarine'.
We chased his ship to Turkey,
And the Kaiser startled stood,
Schratch'd his head and said 'Don't hurt,
You see I'm touching wood';
Thewn Turkey brought her warships
Just to aid the German plot,
Be careful, Mr Turkey,
Or you'll do the Turkey Trot.

Belgium put the kibosh on the Kaiser;
Europe took the stick and made him sore;
And if Turkey makes a stand
She'll get ghurka'd and japanned,
And it won't be Hoch the Kaiser any more.

He'll have to go to school again
And learn his geography,
He quite forgot Britannia
And the hands across the sea,
Australia and Canada,
the Russian and the Jap,
And England looked so small
He couldn't see her on the map.
Whilst Ireland seemed unsettled,
'Ah' said he 'I'll settle John',
But he didn't know the Irish
Like he knew them later on.
Though the Kaiser stirred the lion,
Please excuse him for the crime,
His lunatic attendant
Wasn't with him at the time.

The cavalry rise and join in. All sing:

For Belgium put the kibosh on the Kaiser;
Europe took the stick and made him sore;
We shall shout with victory's joy,
Hold your hand out, naughty boy,
You must never play at soldiers any more.

For Belgium put the kibosh on the Kaiser;
Europe took the stick and made him sore;
On his throne it hurts to sit,
And when John Bull starts to hit,
He will never sit upon it any more.


*****



Hold your hand out, naughty boy

Hold your hand out, naughty boy.
Hold your hand out, naughty boy.
Last night, in the pale moonlight,
I saw you, I saw you;
With a nice girl in the park,
You were strolling full of joy,
And you told here you'd never kissed a girl before:
Hold your hand out, naughty boy.


*****


I'll make a man of you

The Army and the Navy need attention,
The outlook isn't healthy you'll admit,
But I've got a perfect dream of a new recruiting scheme,
Which I think is absolutely it.
If only other girls would do as I do
I believe that we could manage it alone,
For I turn all suitors from me but the sailor and the Tommy,
I've an army and a navy of my own.

On Sunday I walk out with a Soldier,
On Monday I'm taken by a Tar,
On Tuesday I'm out with a baby Boy Scout,
On Wednesday a Hussar;
On Thursday a gang oot wi' a Scottie,
On Friday, the Captain of the crew;
But on Saturday I'm willing, if you'll only take the shilling,
To make a man of any one of you.

I teach the tenderfoot to face the powder,
That gives an added lustre to my skin,
And I show the raw recruit how to give a chaste salute,
So when I'm presenting arms he's falling in.
It makes you almost proud to be a woman.
When you make a strapping soldier of a kid.
And he says 'You put me through it and I didn't want to do it
But you went and made me love you so I did.'

On Sunday I walk out with a Bo'sun.
On Monday a Rifleman in green,
On Tuesday I choose a 'sub' in the 'Blues',
On Wednesday a Marine;
On Thursday a Terrier from Tooting,
On Friday a Midshipman or two,
But on Saturday I'm willing, if you'll only take the shilling,
To make a man of any one of you.


*****


Hitchy-Koo

Oh! Every evening hear him sing,
It's the cutest little thing,
With the cutest little swing,
Hitchy-koo, Hitchy-koo.

Oh, simply meant for Kings and Queens,
Don't you ask me what it means,
I just love that Hitchy-koo,
Hitchy-koo, Hitchy-koo.

Say he does it just like no-one could,
When he does it say he does it good.
Oh, every evening hear him sing,
It's the cutest little thing,
With the cutiest little swing,
Hitchy-koo, Hitchy-koo, Hitchy-koo....


*****



Christmas Day in the Cookhouse

FIRST SOLDIER
It was Christmas day in the cookhouse,
The happiest day of the year,
Men's hearts were full of gladness
And their bellies full of beer,
When up spoke Private Shorthouse,
His face as bold as brass,
Saying, 'We don't want your Christmas pudding
You can stick it up your ...'

ALL
Tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy,
Oh, tidings of comfort and joy!

FIRST SOLDIER
It was Christmas day in the harem,
The eunuchs were standing round,
And hundreds of beautiful women
Were stretched out on the ground,
When in strode the Bold Bad Sultan,
And gazed at his marble halls,
Saying, 'What do you want for Christmas, boys?'
And the eunuchs answered...

ALL
Tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy,
Oh, tidings of comfort and joy!


*****


Goodbye

Brother Bertie went away
To do his bit the other day
With a smile on his lips
and his Lieutenant's pips
upon his shoulder bright and gay
As the train moved out he said,
'Remember me to all the birds.'
And he wagg'd his paw
and went away to war
Shouting out these pathetic words:

Goodbye-ee, goodbye-ee,
Wipe the tear, baby dear, from your eye-ee,
Tho' it's hard to part I know,
I'll be tickled to death to go.
Don't cry-ee, dont sigh-ee,
there's a silver lining in the sky-ee,
Bonsoir, old thing, cheer-i-o, chin, chin,
Nap-poo, toodle-oo, Goodbye-ee.


*****


Oh It's a Lovely War

Oh, oh, oh, it's a lovely war,
Who wouldn't be a soldier, eh?
Oh, it's a shame to take the pay;
As soon as reveille is gone,
We feel just as heavy as lead,
But we never get up till the sergeant
Brings us breakfast up to bed.

Oh, oh, oh, it's a lovely war,
What do we want with eggs and ham,
When we've got plum and apple jam?
Form fours, right turn,
How shall we spend the money we earn?
Oh, oh, oh, it's a lovely war.

Upo to your waist in water,
Up to your eyes in slush,
Using the kind of language,
That makes the sergeant blush.
Who wouldn't join the army?
That's what we all inquire;
Don't we pity the poor civilian,
Sitting beside the fire.

Oh, oh, oh, it's a lovely war,
Who wouldn't be a soldier, eh?
Oh, it's a shame to take the pay;
As sonn as reveille is gone,
We feel just as heavy as lead,
But we never get up till the sergeant
Brings us breakfast up to bed.

Oh, oh, oh, it's a lovely war,
What do we want with eggs and ham,
When we've got plum a nd apple jam?
Form fours, right turn,
How shall we spend the money we earn?
Oh, oh, oh, it's a lovely war.


*****


Gassed Last Night

Gassed last night and gassed the night before,
Going to get gassed tonight if we never get gassed any more.
When we're gassed we're sick as we can be,
'Cos phosgene and mustard gas is much too much for me.
They're warning us, they're warning us,
One respirator for the four of us.
Thank your lucky stars that three of us can run,
So one of us can use it all alone.

Bombed last night and bombed the night before,
Going to get bombed tonight if we never get bombed any more.
When we're bombed we're scared as we can be.
God strafe the bombing planes from High Germany.
They're over us, they're over us,
One shell hole for just the four of us.
Thank your lucky stars there are no more of us,
'Cos one of us could fill it all alone.


*****


Hush, Here Comes a Whizzbang

Hush, here comes a whizzbang,
Hush, here comes a whizzbang,
Now, you soldier men, get down those stairs,
Down in your dugouts and say your prayers.
Hush, here comes a whizzbang,
And it's making straight for you,
And you'll see all the wonders of no-man's-land,
If a whizzbang hits you.


*****


Rule, Britannia

Rule, Britannia, Britannia rules the waves,
Britons, never, never, never shall be slaves.
Rule, Britannia, Britannia rules the waves,
Britons, never, never, never shall be slaves.


*****


I Don't Want To Be a Soldier

I don't want to be a soldier,
I don't want to go to war,
I'd rather stay at home,
Around the streets to roam,
And live on the earnings of a lady typist.
I don't want a bayonet in my belly,
I don't want my bollocks shot away,
I'd rather stay in England,
In merry, merry England,
And fornicate my bleeding life away.


*****


Kaiser Bill

(Tune: 'Pop goes the Weasel')

Kaiser Bill is feeling ill,
The Crown Prince, he's gone barmy.
We don't give a cluck for old von Fluck
And all his bleeding army.


*****


They Were Only Playing Leapfrog

(Tune: 'John Brown's Body')

One staff officer jumped right over another staff officer's
back.
And another staff officer jumped right over that other staff
officer's back,
A third staff officer jumped right over two other staff
officers' backs,
And a fourth staff officer jumped right over all the other
staff officers' backs.

They were only playing leapfrog,
They were only playing leapfrog,
They were only playing leapfrog,
When one staff officer jumped right over another staff
officer's back.


*****


If You Want the Old Battalion

If you want the old battalion,
We know where they are, we know where they are,
We know where they are,
If you want the old battalion, we know where they are,
They're hanging on the old barbed wire,
We've seen them, we've seen them,
Hanging on the old barbed wire,
We've seen them, we've seen them,
Hanging on the old barbed wire.


*****


Far Far from Wipers

(Tune: 'Sing me to sleep')

Far far from Wipers, I long to be,
Where German snipers can't get at me,
Damp is my dugout, cold are my feet,
Waiting for whizzbangs to put me to sleep.


*****


If The Sergeant Steals Your Rum

(Tune: 'Never Mind')

If the sergeant steals your rum, never mind,
If the sergeant steals your rum, never mind;
Though he's just a blinking sot,
Let him have the bloody lot,
If the sergeant steals your rum, never mind.


*****


I Wore a Tunic

(Tune: 'I wore a Tulip')

I wore a tunic, a dirty khaki tunic,
And you wore your civvy clothes,
We fought and bled at Loos,
While you were on the booze,
The booze that no one here knows.
You were out with the wenches,
While we were in the trenches,
Facing an angry foe,
Oh, you were a-slacking, while we were attacking
the Germans on the Menin Road.


*****


Forward Joe Soap's Army

(Tune: 'Onward Christian Soldiers')

Forward Joe Soap's army, marching without fear,
With our old commander, safely in the rear.
He boasts and skites from morn till night,
And thinks he's very brave,
But the men who really did the job are dead and in their grave.
Forward Joe Soap's army, marching without fear,
With our old commander, safely in the rear.
Amen.


*****


When This Lousy War is Over

(Tune: 'What a friend we have in Jesus')

When this lousy war is over,
No more soldiering for me,
When I get my civvy clothes on,
Oh, how happy I shall be!
No more church parades on Sunday,
No more putting in for leave,
I shall kiss the sergeant-major,
How I'll miss him, how he'll grieve!
Amen.


*****


Wash Me in the Water

Whiter than the whitewash on the wall,
Whiter than the whitewash on the wall,
Oh, wash me in the water that you wash your dirty daughter in,
And I shall be whiter than the whitewash on the wall,
On the wall...


*****


I Want To Go Home

I want to go home, I want to go home,
I don't want to go in the trenches no more,
Where whizzbangs and shrapnel they whistle and roar.
Take me over the sea, where the alleyman can't get at me;
Oh my, I don't want to die, I want to go home.


*****


The Bells of Hell

The bells of hell go ting-a-ling-a-ling,
For you but not for me,
And the little devils how they sing-a-ling-a-ling,
For you but not for me.
Oh death, where is thy sting-a-ling-a-ling,
Oh grave, thy victory?
The bells of hell go ting-a-ling-a-ling
For you but not for me.


*****


Keep the Home Fires Burning

They were summoned from the hillside,
They were called in from the glen,
And the country found them ready
At the stirring call for men.
Let no tears add to their hardship,
As the soldiers pass along,
And although your heart is breakingm
Make it sing this cheery song:

Keep the home fires burning
While your hearts are yearning,
Though the lads are far away,
They drean of home.
There's a silver lining,
Through the dark clouds shining,
Turn the dark cloud inside out,
Till the boys come home.


*****


Sister Susie's Sewing Shirts

Yes. Sister Susie's sewing shirts for soldiers,
Such skill at sewing shirts my shy young sister Susie shows,
Some soldiers send epistles, say they'd sooner sleep on
thistles,
Than the saucy, soft, short shirts for soldiers, sister
Susie sews.


*****


And When They Ask Us
(Tune: 'They wouldn't believe me')

And when they ask us, how dangerous it was,
Oh, we'll never tell them, no, we'll never tell them:
We spent our pay in some cafe,
And fought wild women night and day,
'Twas the cushiest job we ever had.

And when they ask us, and they're certainly going to ask us,
The reason why we didn't win the Croix de Guerre,
Oh, we'll never tell them, oh, we'll never tell them
There was a front, but damned if we knew where.