THE HOSTESS WITH THE MOSTEST ON THE BALL
(Irving Berlin)
Ethel Merman


I was born on a thousand acres of Oklahoma land
Nothing grew on the thousand acres for it was gravel and sand
One day, father started digging in a field, hoping to find some soil
He dug and he dug and, what do you think?
Oil, oil, oil
The money rolled in and I rolled out
With a fortune piled so high
Washington was my destination
And now, who am I?

I'm the chosen party giver
For the White House clientele
And they know that I deliver
What it takes to make 'em gel
And in Washington I'm known by one and all
As the hostess with the mostest on the ball

They would go to Elsa Maxwell
When they had an axe to grind
They could always grind their axe well
At the parties she designed
Now the hatchet grinders all prefer to call
On the hostess with the mostest on the ball

I've a great big bar and good caviar
Yes, the best that can be found
And a large amount in my bank account
When election time comes round
If you're feeling presidential
You can make it, yes indeed
There are just three things essential
Let me tell you, all you need
Is an ounce of wisdom and a pound of gall
And the hostess with the mostest on the ball

Entertaining vodka drinkers
Is a job they give to me
Making nice guys out of stinkers
Seems to be my cup of tea
What they really need behind the iron wall
Is the hostess with the mostest on the ball

There's a book of regulations 
As to who sits next to who
But there might be complications
When the blue blood's not so blue
So the priestess with the leastest protocol
Is the hostess with the mostest on the ball

An ambassador has just reached the shore
He's a man of many loves
An important gent from the Orient
To be handled with kid gloves
He can come and let his hair down, ooh!
Have the best time of his life
Even bring his new affair down
Introduce her as his wife
But she mustn't leave her panties in the hall
Of the priestess with the leastest
Nor the hostess with the mostest
With the mostest on the ball