TRY IT THE OTHER WAY ROUND
A Monologue by Al Read
It were just striking tea-time, last Tuesday but two,
When the chap from next door gave a knock.
He said, "Quick!"
I said, "Where?"
He said, "Here!"
I said, "Who?"
He said, "You!"
I said, "Cripes... That's a shock."
Upstairs on his landing, where both of us flew,
Was his wardrobe jammed tight in the door.
Well, we pushed it and shoved it but all we could do
Was to wedge the thing more than before.
We hammered the doors off and hacked out the drawers
But it wouldn't go anywhere near.
Then at midnight we heard a 'rat tat' and a pause
And a voice shouted, "What's all this 'ere?"
It was Constable Bright, he said, "What's all this din?"
He said, "Come on, it's not very nice."
Then he took in the scene, tucked in his chin
And said, "Listen now, take my advice."
He said, "Try it the other way 'round."
He said, "Try it but don't make a sound.
"If I hear one squeak... if you so much as speak,
"I shall have you inside for the rest of the week."
As it lifted it jarred on the paintwork
Rasped out as clear as could be.
He said, "Caught ya!" and laughed... I said, "Don't be daft
"It's those onions I had for my tea."
I said, "Try it the other way 'round
"There's a way and it's got to be found."
Said the copper, "That's true... push 'ard and you too,
"And I'll whip out me truncheon and lever it through."
Well the wardrobe went in like a charmer
Said my neighbour, "It's in, there's no doubt,
"We could put up the flag but there's only one snag
"I've been struggling to get the thing out!"
The Constable got on his bike in disgust
And by taking the wardrobe apart,
The two of us pushed and we shoved and we just
Got it wedged like it was at the start.
It was dawn when the man from next door paid a call
"This brickwork's too flimsy!" he said.
"And by banging that wardrobe so hard on the wall...
"You keep knocking my wife out of bed!!!"
He said, "Try it the other way 'round,
"There's a theory I'd like to propound
"If we all get inside... with the weight it might slide
"And I think you might find, you'll get quite a nice ride."
"Oh, I can't live with this!" said the neighbour
"It's a fact I'd be willing to prove."
He said, "Is it wedged tight?" I said, "Yes!" he said, "Right!"
"Let's leave it... I'll bloody well move!!!"