RENTA SANTA Chris Hill - 1975 (Song extracts are in "quotes") Here is a news flash! We have just heard that Father Christmas is unable to do his rounds this year due to industrial trouble in Greenland. Therefore, a replacement must be found! We are going over now to the office of Renta Santa. Miss Singleton, who has actually applied for the job? "Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder, Alice Cooper, Elton John" Same old faces, hey? Have you any suggestions of your own? "Take a chance with someone new, you'll see" Good idea. Now, here's a face we all know; Football star, Georgie Best. George, what have you been doing lately? "Sitting in the sun, waiting for a senorita to show" Splendid! And now we have Mr. Edward Heath. Sir, we know you're out of work right now, but Don't you think you look rather foolish standing there In a red costume and false beard? "It's just a silly phase I'm going through" Tell us, what did Margaret Thatcher say when She saw you dressed like this? "She stood there laughing" Oh dear, well here's someone whose not been laughing Too much either; rock star and tax exile, Rod Stewart. "I'm an ordinary guy, and my pockets are empty" Rod, what did you tell the tax department When you returned to this country? "I can't give you anything" But Rod, we all have to pay tax "But not half as much as I do" Really? "No, not half as much as I do" Over here, we are very fortunate to have the Man who trains Santa's reindeers Sir, we understand you actually speak to these animals What do you say to them? "Ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh" And what is their reply? "What chu, chu, chu, chu" What does that mean exactly? "That means, I offer my love to you" Amazing! And now we've got Mr. Spock from Star Fleet Command! How did you get here? "Look at me, can't you see, I'm beaming all over?" Oh, and now they're ready with the results. They are about to be announced. (Clarinets play music from last song signet as fanfare) And the man whose been chosen is Mr. Uri Geller. (Audience applauds) Well, Uri, this is really wonderful. Everyone's delighted! Now, I'm sure we'd all like to see a party trick before you leave. What are you going to do for us? "I took my magic wand, and 'poof', I have me fun!" And look what's happening here. It's Bendy! "Hey, what does?, What's happening" Hey! You've bust me record player! Player.....player.....player.....player.......FADE (Transcribed by Carlene Bogle & Mel Priddle - August 2006)