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BACK ANSWERS (Wilton) A Monologue by Robb Wilton I'm subject to colds and they make me quite deaf And then I can't hear what you say A fellow once offered to buy me a drink (I heard that with a cold, by the way) So we're drinking and talking of women we've known I described a sweet girl dressed in red My description was good, and my pal went half mad It was the girl he was planning to wed! He said 'I'll punch your head!' I said 'Whose?' He said 'Yours!' I said 'Mine?' He said 'Yes!' I said 'Oh?' He said 'Want a fight?' I said 'Who?' He said 'You!' I said 'Me?' He said 'Yes!' I said 'No!' So we then came to words, he said 'You're a cad!' I said 'Cad?' He said 'Yes!' I said 'Who?' He said 'Who?' I said 'Yes?' He said 'You!' I said 'Oh?' So of course then I knew The day I got married, some years ago, I'll always remember the scene... Me and Jim Lowe, married Maudie and Flo Who were twin sisters and always 'ad been. We were married alright at quarter past two But some'ow we must've got mixed... Jim said, 'Which is mine?' I said, 'Oh, never mind!' Let's get the blessed thing fixed." He said, 'Have you married Flo? I said, 'Flo! I don't know, But... If I 'ave, you've got one.' He said, 'I wanted Flo!' I said, ' Oh, is that so? 'Your only chance has just gone.' He said, 'Did you know... that you'd married Flo?' I said, 'No... I don't know that I knew.' He said, 'You've married mine, 'She's got ten thousand pounds!' I said, ' Well, never mind... she'll do!' A cruise on the sea is a thing that suits me And I've done some sailing, it's true I was at my wits end when setting out from Land's End One night when I'd had one or two The captain came out on the bridge and said 'Lads, We are doomed, the old tub's going down To the boats every man... except you!' I said 'Me?' He said 'Yes, there's no room, you must drown' I said 'Drown?' He said 'Drown! The ship's going down Don't you stand arguing there! I've just told you straight, there's no room for you, mate, In the boats or in fact anywhere. I know it's upsetting, but what's the use fretting We might have lost all of the crew But now, as I say, we can all get away And only lose one... and that's you!'


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