BAD JOKES
Garrison Keeler
Woody Harrelson and John C. Reilly

from "Prarie Home Companion"


The blind man's seeing eye dog
Pissed on the blind man's shoe
The blind man said, "Here Rover,
Here's a piece of beef for you."
His wife said, "Don't reward him.
You can't just let that pass."
The blind man said,
"I gotta find his mouth,
so I can kick him in the ass."

Chorus

Bad Jokes,
Lord I love them.
Bad jokes,
Can't get enough of 'em.
oo oo oo whee,
Bad jokes for me.

You got one Dusty.
I got one Lefty.
Let's hear it.

When God created woman,
He gave not two breasts but three.
When the middle one got in the way
God performed surgery.
Woman stood before God,
With middle breast in hand.
Said "What do we do,
With the useless boob?"
And got created man.

Bad Jokes,
Lord I love them.
Bad jokes,
Can't get enough of 'em.
oo oo oo whee,
Bad jokes for me.

Gramps turned 80 the other day,
He never did find his way.
He dressed up in a brand new suit,
Sitting in a big lawn chair.
When a beautiful young naked woman,
Stood up in front of the group.
She offered gramps some super sex ,
And he said, "I'll take the soup!"

Bad Jokes,
Lord I love them.
Bad jokes,
Can't get enough of 'em.
oo oo oo whee,
Bad jokes for me.

You ready for another one?
Yea, lay it on me.

Olie went to the neighborhood dance,
And he won the big door prize.
Was a toilet brush,
And he took it home.
And the next week one of the guys,
Said, "Olie, how's that toilet brush,
The one you won from the neighbors?"
Olie said, "Oh, it works pretty good,
but I prefer toilet paper."

Bad Jokes,
Lord I love them.
Bad jokes,
Can't get enough of 'em.
oo oo oo whee,
Bad jokes for me.

Farmer had a champion bull,
Bred 200 times a year.
Farmer's wife said, "200 times.
Isn't that wonderful dear.
Maybe you otta watch 'em
Maybe he'll show you how."
Farmer said, "He's a heck of a bull,
But it wasn't all with same cow."
Come on now.

Bad Jokes,
Lord I love them.
Bad jokes,
Can't get enough of 'em.
oo oo oo whee,
Bad jokes for me.

You gotta another one Dusty?
Actually I do.

You hear about the viagra shipment that got stolen?

No, who they think did that?

Well they don't know,
But they are on the lookout for hardened criminals.

You got another one?
I got another one Lefty.

Sven said to his friend,
"O, I think my wife died."
His friend said, "What do you mean you think?"
"Well, the sex is still the same,
But the dishes are stacking up."

Hey Dusty.
Yea Lefty.

Did you know that diarrhea was hereditary?

No, I didn't.
Yea, it runs in your jeans.

Heya, Lefty.
Yea, go aheadin.

Why do they call it PMS?
PMS, well I don't know why?
Mad cow was already taken.

Hey, Dusty.
Yea, Lefty.

What do you get when you cross
Holy water with castor oil?
I don't know Lefty.
What do you get?
A religious movement.

Heya, Hey, Lefty.

What did the elephant
say to the naked man?
What did he say?
He said, "It's cute,
But can you really breath
through that thing?"

Come on

Bad Jokes,
Lord I love them.
Bad jokes,
Can't get enough of 'em.
oo oo oo whee,
Bad jokes for me.

Bad Jokes,
Man I love them.
Bad jokes,
Can't get enough of 'em.
oo oo oo whee,
Baaaad, Whoo
jokes for meee.

Hey!




(Contributed by  - October 2006)