BALLAD OF SPOTTY MULDOON, THE
(Cook / Moore)


Peter Cook & The Dudley Moore Trio - 1965



There've been many spotty people in the history of mankind
Some are born spotty, some achieve spottiness
And some have spottiness thrust upon them
But there is one whom Heaven has blessed
With far more spots than all the rest
His name by now you will have guessed
It is, of course, Muldoon

Spotty Muldoon, Spotty Muldoon
He's got spots all over his face
Spotty Muldoon, Spotty Muldoon
He's got spots all over the place

He's so spotty is Spotty Muldoon
He's got spots where others have not
He's so blotchy is Spotty Muldoon
Oh, what a lot of spots he's got

He's unbelievably spotty!

A leopard cannot change his spots
And nor can a Muldoon
Of ointments, he has tried the lot
Drunk medicine by the spoon
But his face remains as ravaged
As the craters of the Moon
Poor old Spotty Muldoon

Spotty Muldoon, Spotty Muldoon
He's got spots all over his face
Spotty Muldoon, Spotty Muldoon
He's got spots all over the place

Of course, the worst thing about it
Is that he can't get hold of women
Whenever Spotty's out under the Moon with a lovely lady
As soon as he tries to get romantic
They always say things like
"D'you know, Mr. Muldoon, you're unbelievable spotty"

So Spotty wears a paper bag to cover up his head
He very seldom takes it off, not even in his bed
And sometimes in the evenin'
Round about half-past-eleven usually
He wishes he was dead
Poor old Spotty Muldoon

Spotty Muldoon, Spotty Muldoon
He's got spots all over his face
Spotty Muldoon, Spotty Muldoon
He's got spots all over the place

They say that those who suffer in this world
Will be rewarded in the life to come
So, when Sptty leaves this mortal coil
And goes up into that great spot beyond the skies
He'll probably find that fashions are different up there
And suddenly he'll be in demand

So, when Spotty gets to Heaven
As Spotty will one day
He'll find that spots are all the rage
Along the Milky Way
And a million acne'ed angels
Will gather round and say

Spotty Muldoon, Spotty Muldoon
You've got spots all over your face
Spotty Muldoon, Spotty Muldoon
You've got spots all over the place

Good old Spotty, Spotty Muldoon
How we love your heavenly spots
We're all potty for Spotty Muldoon
The fabiest, trendiest, loveliest, geariest
Swingin'ist, sexiest, spottiest
Angel of the lot!

And that's Spotty!



(Transcribed by Mel Priddle - February 2017)