BIGGEST ASPIDISTRA IN THE WORLD 
(Connor/H/H)
Gracie Fields


For years we had an aspidistra in a flower pot
On the whatnot, near the hatstand, in the hall
It didn’t seem to grow till one day our brother Joe
Had a notion that he’d make it strong and tall
So he’s crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree
And he’s planted it against the garden wall

It shot up like a rocket till it nearly reached the sky
It’s the biggest aspidistra in the world
We couldn’t see the top of it, it got so bloomin’ high
It’s the biggest aspidistra in the world
When father’s had a snoot-full at his pub “The Bunch of Grapes”
He doesn’t go all fighting-mad and getting into scrapes – oh no
You’ll find him in his bare skin playing Tarzan of the Apes
On the biggest aspidistra in the world

We have to get it watered by the local fire brigade
So they put the water rates up half a crown
The roots top up the drains, grow along the country lanes
And they come up half a mile outside the town

Once we had an auditorium for a hothouse
But a jealous rival went and burnt it down
The tomcats and their sweethearts love to spend their evenings out
Up the biggest aspidistra in the world
They all begin meeowing when the buds begin to sprout
From the biggest aspidistra in the world

The dogs all come around for miles – a lovely sight to see
They sniff around for hours and hours and wag their tails with glee
So I’ve had to put a notice up to say it’s not a tree
It’s the biggest aspidistra in the world