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BIGGEST ASPIDISTRA IN THE WORLD (Connor/H/H) Gracie Fields For years we had an aspidistra in a flower pot On the whatnot, near the hatstand, in the hall It didn’t seem to grow till one day our brother Joe Had a notion that he’d make it strong and tall So he’s crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree And he’s planted it against the garden wall It shot up like a rocket till it nearly reached the sky It’s the biggest aspidistra in the world We couldn’t see the top of it, it got so bloomin’ high It’s the biggest aspidistra in the world When father’s had a snoot-full at his pub “The Bunch of Grapes” He doesn’t go all fighting-mad and getting into scrapes – oh no You’ll find him in his bare skin playing Tarzan of the Apes On the biggest aspidistra in the world We have to get it watered by the local fire brigade So they put the water rates up half a crown The roots top up the drains, grow along the country lanes And they come up half a mile outside the town Once we had an auditorium for a hothouse But a jealous rival went and burnt it down The tomcats and their sweethearts love to spend their evenings out Up the biggest aspidistra in the world They all begin meeowing when the buds begin to sprout From the biggest aspidistra in the world The dogs all come around for miles – a lovely sight to see They sniff around for hours and hours and wag their tails with glee So I’ve had to put a notice up to say it’s not a tree It’s the biggest aspidistra in the world

    


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