CHANGE THE NAME
Michelle Shocked - 1992
Well, of course, this actually happened. In the reconstruction days of the South it got to be pretty
serious when the carpet-baggers came down and started running the whole show down here. And things
were especially rough up in the state of Arkansas when it was very seriously proposed to change the
name of the state. And this is taken down on the Legislative rolls which can now be found, I think,
under the date of July the 23rd, 1867. And this is what the hometown boy had to say. I think first he
pulled out his horse-pistol and laid it across his desk so he wouldn't be interrupted.
Mr Speaker, god-damn your soul, for more than thirty minutes I've been trying to get your attention
but every time I caught your eye you squirmed like a damn dog with a flea in his ass.
I guess you know who I am Sir. My name is Cassius M. Johnson from Jackson County, Arkansas where a man
can't stick his ass out the window and shit without it getting riddled with bullets. Why Sir, I was
fourteen years old before I had my first pair of pants and they was of buckskin. But at the age of
seventeen Mr Speaker, I had a jock on me the size of a roasting ear and it was the pride of Jackson
County. And you propose to change the name of Arkansas. Never, by God Sir, never!
I'm out of order? How can I be out of order when I can piss clear across the Mississippi River?
Where was Andrew Jackson when the battle of New Orleans was fought? He was right thar Sir, up to his
ass in blood. And you change the name of Arkansas? Never, when I can defend her.
You may shit on the grave of George Washington. Piss on the monument of Thomas Jefferson. You may
desecrate the sacred remains of the immortal General Robert E. Lee. You may rape the Goddess of
Liberty and wipe your ass on the Stars and Stripes. And your crime, your crime Sir will no more
compare to this hellish design than the glow of a lightning-bug's ass to the glare of the noon days
sun. And you propose to change the name of Arkansas. Never, by God Sir, never!
You may compare the lily of the valley to the glorious sunflower. Or the sun-kissed peaks of the highest
mountains to the smokin' turd of a dunghill. Or the classic strains of Mozart to the fart of a Mexican
burrow. You may compare the puny penis of a Peruvian prince to the ponderous buttocks of the Roman
gladiator. But change the name of Arkansas? Never, by God Sir, never!