IF I WERE A MOOSE
Fred Small


If I were a moose and you were a cow
Would you love me anyhow?
Would you introduce me to your folks
Would you tell your friends "No moose jokes!"
If I were a moose and you were a cow.

Would you invite me to your club
And risk a cruel bovine snub
Would you lead me down the receiving line
And boldly boast "This moose is mine!"

Would your parents watch us graze
Shake their heads, "It's just a phase"
Or would they thank the stars above
Their precious heifer's found her love?

Would your grandparents change their will?
They'd really expected a Holstein bull
"For this we toiled before the plow --
You bring home someone who's not even a cow.

There's lot's of proper stock around
Like that nice young Guernsey at Farmer Brown's
Or that last one we ridiculed and cursed
On second thought you could do worse.

But if you think this thing will last
Could he learn to moo and eat our grass
Shed his antlers in the dirt
Could you persuade him to convert?"

If our anatomies did not quite fit
Would you make the best of it
Would you nuzzle up so near
And hum sweet cow tunes in my ear?

Or would you sadly break it off
When all the hillside sneered and scoffed
"You know those moose are all the same
They're lazy, they're stupid, they come from Maine."

It's true things slip a moose's mind
That cows remember all the time
Bulbous nose and knobby knees
A coat that harbors ticks and fleas

But a moose can be a handy thing
When hungry wolves come visiting
In icy gust of winter storm
Our fur is deep and dry and warm.

And someday should your milk run dry
And farmer stare with baleful eye
In dead of night I'd slip your noose
And lead you home to the land of moose
If I were a moose and you were a cow.

If hunters came to do me harm
Would you hide me in the barn
Would all the herd come on the run
And glare until they dropped their guns?

Might you permit a goodnight kiss
Could you learn to love wet moose lips?
If I were a moose and you were a cow
If you were a cow and I were a moose.