IN THE PARLOUR WHEN THE COMPANY'S GONE
(Kenneth & George Western)


The Western Brothers - 1932





(SPOKEN:
Now a song about things that happen at home
You know, Mother and Dad and things like that
'Cos our Mother and Dad don't get on very well together
They haven't spoken for the last fifteen years
The other day the kitchen boiler burst
And they went out together for the first time)

In our family once a week
There's a gathering quite unique
We have company, so to speak 
And ev'ryone stays till two

Not particular who they are
Friends of Mother and friends of Pa
But when ev'ryone says "Tata"
We never know what to do

Talk about a sight ev'ry Sunday night
In the parlour when the company's gone
Talk about a mess, what a wilderness
In the parlour when the company's gone

Mother on the sideboard looking very red
Father with a bon-bon hanging on his head
Looking for the baby underneath the bed
In the parlour when the company's gone

Shaking out the mat, tripping on the cat
In the parlour when the company's gone
Sitting on the floor, picking up the door
In the parlour when the company's gone

Not a lemonade left, not a ginger beer
Grandad with the hiccups looking very queer
Swinging by his whiskers from the chandelier
In the parlour when the company's gone

Mary-Ann and sister Sue
Pushing orange peel up the flue
While the dawning is peeping through
And the sparrows begin to tweet

Auntie Lizzie and cousin Kate
Getting into an awful state
Wiping sandwiches off the gate
And throwing them in the street

Talk about a squash, trying to get a wash
In the parlour when the company's gone
Think about the cheese, sticking to the frieze
In the parlour when the company's gone

Up and down the whatnot ev'rybody crawls
Trying to get the paper back upon the walls
Mother with the clothes horse hanging out the smalls
In the parlour when the company's gone

(SPOKEN:
I wonder if you know the story of the navvy who got a new job
He met his pal and his pal said, "So, I hear you've got a new job then, eh?"
He said, Yes, I'm what they call an engineer now"
"An engineer, that must come rather strange to ya, doesn't it"
He said, "It does really, 'cause ev'rything I do has to be worked out to a 
thousandth part of an inch"
He said, "Go on, are there many thousands in an inch then?"
He said, "Blimey, millions!")

Copper on his beat, trying to get his feet
In the parlour when the company's gone
Hello, Mrs Hayes, lacing up her ........ shoes
In the parlour when the company's gone

Custard on the carpet, jelly underneath
Granny on the sofa shaking like a leaf
Sitting in the trifle, looking for her teeth
In the parlour when the company's gone

Oh, there's no place like home
In the parlour when the company's gone






(Transcribed by Mel Priddle - November 2014)