I'VE NEVER SEEN A STRAIGHT BANANA 
(Ted Waite) 

Dick Henderson - 1926
Percival Mackey's Band (Instr.) - 1927
Fred Douglas - 1927
Albert Whelan - 1927
Billy Jones & Ernest Hare ("The Happiness Boys") - 1927
Waring's Pennsylvanians - 1927
Harry Reser's Jazz Pilots (vocal: Tom Stacks) - 1927
'Whispering' Jack Smith - 1927
Jane Gray - 1927
Regent Dance Orch. - 1927
The Columbians (vocal: Frank Harris & Ed Smalle) - 1927
The Harmonians (vocal: Irving Kaufman) - 1927
Raymond Dance Band - 1927
Jimmy Edwards - 1960
Tiny Tim - 1976






As recorded by FRED DOUGLAS:

I've seen lots of funny things in my time
But there's one thing that I've not seen up til now
For years and years and years I've kept on searching
But I always seemed to have bad luck somehow
To find the thing I'm searching for, around the world I've been
And now I'm going to tell you what it is I haven't seen
Well, I've never, never, never, never, I've never seen a straight banana

I've searched every town, I've searched every town
I've seen bananas standing up, I've seen 'em lying down
I've tried everywhere to find one, Africa, Jamaica and Havana
But I've never, never, never, never, I've never seen a straight banana

I've seen cabbages, I have, with nobs on
I've seen lovely red tomatoes turning blue
I may say I've seen scarlet runners runnin'
And I've seen 'em when they couldn't walk, too
I've seen some new potatoes with their eyes all filled with tears
Because an onion friend of theirs got sentenced to three years
Well, I've never, never, never, never, I've never seen a straight banana

I've searched every town, I've searched every town
I've seen bananas standing up, I've seen 'em lying down
I've tried everywhere to find one, Africa, Jamaica and Havana
But I've never, never, never, never, I've never seen a straight banana

But I've never, never, never, never, I've never seen a straight banana!


********************


As recorded by 'WHISPERING' JACK SMITH:

I've seen lots of funny things in my time
But there's one thing I've been trying hard to get
For years and years and years I've kept on searching
But I haven't had the luck to see one yet
Although you've never seen one, you all know the thing I mean
And now I'm going to tell you what it is I haven't seen
I've never, never, never, never, I've never seen a straight banana

I've searched quite a bit, yet I must admit
They're even curved when they are served in my banana split
I have seen them by the carloads on the Delaware & Lacawana
But I've never, never, never, never, I've never seen a straight banana

And I recall when I was in Alaska
I have seen the sun shine twelve o'clock at night 
I've seen the waterfall down at Niagara
And I confess it is the most impressive sight
I'd love to see a certain thing, but if it's not to be
I'd like to see somebody else who saw what I can't see
I've never, never, never, never, I've never seen a straight banana

I've searched quite a bit, yet I must admit
They're even curved when they are served in my banana split
I have seen them by the carloads on the Delaware & Lacawana
But I've never, never, never, never, I've never seen a straight banana
I've never, never, never, never, I've never seen a straight banana

And though they're things I hate, millions I have ate
But, doggone me, I've yet to see bananas that are straight
I have traveled far to find one, From the Argentine to Tijuana
But I've never, never, never, never, I've never seen a straight banana
Huh, I've never, never, never, never, I've never seen a straight banana

Once I chanced to see a murder mystery
The jury found the prisoner guilty in the first degree
And all at once we heard the prisoner holler out
"This is the truth, your honour,
I've never, never never, never, I've never seen a straight banana"


********************


Extra verse as recorded by JIMMY EDWARDS:

I've seen 'em fat, I've seen 'em thin
I've even seen 'em in a tin
I've seen 'em peeled, I've seen 'em squeezed
I've seen 'em looking most displeased
But I've never seen a straight banana


(Transcribed by Mel Priddle - January 2018)