LIKE THE BIG POTS DO
(J P LONG)

as recorded by George Formby
February 6th 1938


Now isn't it disgusting how some vulgar folks behave
When they sit down to eat their food.
My father was a baker, so I'm quite well bred you see,
And no one's more particular when eating food than me.
To give you information I am able,
On how you should behave when at the table.

Never use your fingers when you're eating stew,
Wipe your plate with bread just like the big pots do! 
Peas should not be eaten with a knife, it's true,
Eat 'em from the saucepan like the big pots do!

Never put both elbows on the table when you eat,
Leave a bit of room for other folk to park their feet.
Always hold your kipper in one hand, not two,
And wave it when you're talking like the big pots do!

Soup should not be eaten with a sponge you know, 
Gargle it quite loudly like the big pots do!
When you're eating winkles and the pins are few,
Smash 'em with a hammer like the big pots do!

Watermelons make you rather damp behind the ears,
Onions are pathetic and they make you melt in tears.
When you eat these dainties you might get wet through,
So wear a bathing costume like the big pots do!

Smoke between the courses, that's the fashion new,
Leave the fag ends on the plate just like the big pots do!
If your playful hostess throws a roll at you,
Smack her with a jelly like the big pots do!

When you're eating ices here's a wheeze that you can crack,
Ices look so pretty sliding down a ladies back.
If the spoons are silver, pocket one or two
To add to your collection like the big pots do!




(Transcribed by Peter Akers - March 2017)