LION AND ALBERT, THE
Edgar Marriott 1932
Stanley Holloway (monologue) 1932
There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.
A grand little lad was young Albert,
All dressed in his best, quite a swell,
With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle,
The finest that Woolworths could sell!
They didn't think much to the ocean,
The waves, they were fiddlin' and small;
There was no wrecks and nobody drownded,
In fact, nothing to laugh at at all!
So, seeking for further amusement,
They paid and went into the zoo,
Where they'd lions and tigers and camels,
And old ale and sandwiches too.
There were one great big lion called Wallace,
His nose were all covered in scars;
He lay in a somnolent posture
With the side of his face on the bars.
Now Albert had heard about lions,
How they were ferocious and wild;
To see Wallace lying so peaceful,
Well, it didn't seem right to the child!
So straightaway the brave littlec fella,
Not showing a morsel of fear,
Took his stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle
And pushed it in Wallace's ear!
You could see that the lion didn't like it,
For, giving a kind of a roll,
He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im,
And swallowed the little lad 'ole!
Then pa, who had seen the occurrence,
And didn't know what to do next,
Said, "Mother, yon' lion's ate Albert!",
And mother said, "Well, I am vexed!".
Then Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom,
Quite rightly, when all's said and done,
Complained to the animal keeper
That the lion had eaten their son.
The keeper was quite nice about it,
He said "What a nasty mishap!
Are you sure that it's your son he's eaten?".
Pa said, "Am I sure! There's his cap!".
The manager had to be sent for;
He came and he said, "What's to do?".
Pa said, "Yon' lion's ate Albert,
And 'im in 'is Sunday clothes too!".
Then mother said, "Right's right, young fella,
I think it's a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert,
And after we've paid to come in!".
The manager wanted no trouble,
He took out his purse right away,
Saying "How much to settle the matter?",
And pa said, 2What do you usually pay?",
But mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought that her Albert had gone;
She said, "No, someone's got to be summonsed!",
So that was decided upon.
Then off they went to the police station,
In front of the magistrate chap;
They told 'im what happened to Albert,
And proved it by showing his cap!
The magistrate gave his opinion
That no-one was really to blame,
And he said the he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.
At that, mother got proper blazing,
And, "Thank you sir, kindly", said she.
"What, waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!".
(Contributed by Peter Akers - December 2009)