NUMBERS
(Shel Silverstein)
Bobby Bare - 1980


I was sittin' here Friday suppin' on a glass of wine
When in walked a chick who almost struck me blind
Had wet blue eyes and her legs were long and fine
On a scale of ONE to TEN.........I'd give her a NINE.

Now on my scale there ain't no TEN's, you know
NINE is about as far as any chick can go
So I flashed her a smile, but she didn't even look at me
So for brains and good judgement, give her a THREE.

I said, hey sweet thing, you look like a possible EIGHT
You and me could, uh! make EIGHTEEN, if your head's on straight
She looked up and down my perfect frame
And said these words that burned into my perfect brain.

She said, well, another one of those macho Texas men
Tryin' to grade all women on scales of ONE to TEN
And, uh!, you give me an EIGHT, well, that's a generous thing to do
Now, let's just see, just how much I give you.

She said you comin' on to me with that phony NUMBERS jive
Your style makes me smile, I give it a FIVE
When you walked up I noticed that suit of your's
It's last year's double knit-french cuffs, give it a FOUR.

That must be your car parked out on the kerb
That 'SIXTY-NINE homemade convertible, A THREE and A THIRD
I saw that build, I guess you're less than FIVE
Said, for your pot belly, I'd give that a TEN for size.

That wine you're pourin' might be fine to you
But I'm used to fine champagne, I give it a TWO
It's hard to tell what your flashin' smile is worth
I give it a SIX, you could use some dental work.

But, It's your struttin' rooster act that really makes me laugh
It may be a TEN to these country hens, but to me a THREE and A HALF
And there really ain't much to add once the subtractin's done
And since there ain't no ZEROs, I give you a ONE.

She walked out, while up and down the line
The whole bar was laughin', sayin' BARE, what happened to your NINE
NINE says I, hell soon as she started to talk I knew
She didn't have no class, I barely gave her a TWO.

(SPOKEN) Yeah! No matter how good they look at first
There's flaws in all of them
That's why on a scale of TEN to ONE, friend
There ain't no TEN.