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SEASIDE BAND Arthur Askey Once, at the seaside, feeling very restless I ran down tuppence and I rolled on the pier Hadn't gone far when the strains of music Floated on the breeze and landed in my ear I quickened up me steps for I love nice noises Very soon arrived right opposite the band Saw the conductor on a lemonade box With his little baton stuck up in his right hand One two three four, off went the cornet Five six seven eight, the fiddles followed too A man in the corner playing on the piccolo Keeping time with the sole of his boot Right behind him was a fellow with the trombone Blowing like the devil with his cheeks out wide Working so hard that both his little eyeballs Left their sockets and stood outside Hanging on a rostrum, a drummer, very lonely Drums all round like bees in a swarm Looking very cold with his nose quite scarlet Banging on the cymbals to keep himself warm Opposite to him was the man with the toupee Spitting down a reed - what a nasty man! Sitting next to him was a fellow with a French horn Full of soul and bitter beer, tuppence on the can Fellow with a cello, boom boom boom boom Trying very hard to saw it in two His pal with the double bass, cuddling it fondly Looking like a camel with a dose of the flu Man with a piccolo, fed up with the dancing Sick and tired of hearing the same old toot Thought he'd like a change so he put it down beside him And then started messing with a full size flute Man with the bassoon, nothing on his music Acted like a mute, never said a word Just as I thought he was going to fall asleep He picked up his bassoon and gave us all the bird Then a little man with walrus whiskers How he got his breath, well I don't know Found he got his fungus stuffed up the mouthpiece And wondered why he couldn't play his little oboe Man with the trombone lost his temper Thought they could not hear him and said, 'Here goes' Took a long breath and threw all of his false teeth Right on the bridge of the conductor's nose Then the conductor, getting very angry Raised his other hand, with a rum-tum-tum Caused such a draught that the man with the harp Went clean through the air and fell through the drum Bang bang bang went the man with the cymbals Toodle-oodle-oo went the flute so gay Fiddles and violas screaming like the wind And the cornet broke his promise, trying to reach top A What a pandemonium everybody different Each with the other one, trying to compete Strange to relate it must've been a fluke But they all finished dead on the same down-beat Oh, Rule Britannia, they kept the party clean And I felt sorry when they played God Save Our Queen


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