SO HELP ME 
Spike Jones & His City Slickers


I was standing in a pub in London
Late one foggy night
When in walked Harry, me old chum
And, blimey, what a sight!
His hair was mussed, his clothes all torn
A big lump on his head
I said, here – what happened, Harry boy?
And this is what he said

I had an augamenta with my trouble and strife
She knocked me down the bloomin’ apples and pears
And not only that, I lost me tit-for-tat
And me whistle and flute were far beyond repairs
I landed on the bottom on me plates of meat
I really was a sorry sight to see
It’s a wonder I’m not dead
With this lump on me loaf of bread
And that’s the blinkin’ truth, so help me

I had an augamenta with me trouble and strife (wife)
She knocked me down the bloomin’ apples and pears (stairs)
And not only that, I lost me tit-for-tat (hat)
And me whistle and flute were far beyond repairs
(Whistle and flute?) Suit!
I landed on the bottom on me plates of meat (feet)
I really was a sorry sight to see
It’s a wonder I’m not dead
With this lump on me loaf of bread (head)
And that’s the blinkin’ truth, so help me

(Speaks, tap-dancing) 
Dance! 
Here watch this step – clever, eh? eh? eh?
‘Ere, blimey, when I did this one at the Palladium, London
I had ‘em in the aisle 
(Palladium? Was more than likely the pier at Wigan!)
‘Ere, ‘ere, knock it!  Turn it up mate!
I shall very likely come over there and do you!
Only kidding, only kidding
‘Ere, watch this one, lady, watch this one!
Tricky, ain’t it? Eh? eh?
Blimey, I’m really on form tonight

(sings) Oh, the missus really blackened up me poor mince pie
I really was a sorry sight to see
So I thought I’d stop er ‘ere 
For me usual pig’s ear
And that’s the blinkin’ truth, so help me