ST. GEORGE & THE DRAGONET
Stan Freberg


(all spoken)

Narrator: The legend you are about to hear is true.  Only the needle should be changed to protect 
the record.

St. George:  This is the countryside.  My name is St. George.  I'm a knight.  Saturday, July 10th.  
8:05 pm.  I was working out of the castle on the night watch when a call came in from the Chief.  
A dragon had been devouring maidens.  Homicide.  My job: slay him.

You call me, Chief?

Chief: Yes, the dragon again, devouring maidens.  The King's daughter may be next.

St. George: Mmm-hmm.  You got a lead?

Chief: Oh, nothing much to go on.  Say, did you take that .45 automatic into the lab to have them 
check on it?

St. George: Yeah.  You were right.

Chief: I was right?

St. George: Yeah.  It was a gun.

8:22 pm.  I talked to one of the maidens who had almost been devoured.

Could I talk to you, Ma'am?

Maiden:	Who are you?

St. George: I'm St. George, Ma'am.  Homicide, Ma'am.  Want to ask you a few questions, Ma'am.  
I understand you were almost devoured by the Ma'am.  Is that right, dragon?

Maiden:	It was terrible.  He breathed fire on me!  He burned me already!

St. George: How can I be sure of that, Ma'am?

Maiden:	Believe me, I got it straight from the dragon's mouth.

St. George: 11:45 pm.  I rode over the King's Highway.  I saw a man.  Stopped to talk to him.

Pardon me, Sir.  Could I talk to you for just a minute, Sir?

Knave: Sure, I don't mind.

St. George: What do you do for a living?

Knave: I'm a knave.

St. George: Didn't I pick you up on a 903 last year for stealing tarts?

Knave: Yeah.  So what?  Do you wanna make a federal case out of it??

St. George: No, Sir.  We heard there was a dragon operating in this neighborhood.  We just want to know
if you've seen him.

Knave: Sure, I seen him.

St. George: Mmm-hmm.  Could you describe him for me?

Knave: What's to describe?  You see one dragon, you seen 'em all.

St. George: Would you try to remember, Sir?  Just for the record.  We just want to get the facts, Sir!

Knave: Well, he was, you know, he had orange polka dots . . . 

St. George: Yes, Sir.

Knave: Purple feet, breathing fire and smoke . . . 

St. George: Mmm-hmm.

Knave: And one big bloodshot eye right in the middle of his forehead and, uh, like that.

St. George: Notice anything unusual about him?

Knave: No, he's just your run-of-the-mill dragon, you know.

St. George: Mmm-hmm.  Yes, Sir.  You can go now.

Knave: Hey, by the way, how you gonna catch him?

St. George: I thought you'd never ask.  A Dragonet.

3:05 pm.  I was riding back into the courtyard to make my report to the lab.  Then it happened.  It was the dragon.

Dragon:	Hey!  I'm the fire-breathin' Dragon!  You must be St. George, right?

St. George: Yes, Sir.

Dragon:	I can see you got one of them new .45 caliber swords.

St. George: That's about the size of it.

Dragon:	Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!  You slay me!!

St. George: That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Dragon:	What do you mean?

St. George: I'm taking you in on a 502.  You figure it out.

Dragon:	What's the charge?

St. George: Devouring maidens out of season.

Dragon:	Out of season?!?  You'll never pin that rap on me!!  Do you hear me, cop?!?!

St. George: Yeah, I hear you.  I got you on a 412 too.

Dragon: A 412!!!  What's a 412?!?!?

St. George: Over-acting.  Let's go.

Narrator: On September the 5th, the Dragon was tried and convicted.  His fire was put out and his 
maiden-devouring license revoked.  Maiden devouring out of season is punishable by a term of not 
less than 50 or more than 300 years.