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ST. GEORGE & THE DRAGONET Stan Freberg (all spoken) Narrator: The legend you are about to hear is true. Only the needle should be changed to protect the record. St. George: This is the countryside. My name is St. George. I'm a knight. Saturday, July 10th. 8:05 pm. I was working out of the castle on the night watch when a call came in from the Chief. A dragon had been devouring maidens. Homicide. My job: slay him. You call me, Chief? Chief: Yes, the dragon again, devouring maidens. The King's daughter may be next. St. George: Mmm-hmm. You got a lead? Chief: Oh, nothing much to go on. Say, did you take that .45 automatic into the lab to have them check on it? St. George: Yeah. You were right. Chief: I was right? St. George: Yeah. It was a gun. 8:22 pm. I talked to one of the maidens who had almost been devoured. Could I talk to you, Ma'am? Maiden: Who are you? St. George: I'm St. George, Ma'am. Homicide, Ma'am. Want to ask you a few questions, Ma'am. I understand you were almost devoured by the Ma'am. Is that right, dragon? Maiden: It was terrible. He breathed fire on me! He burned me already! St. George: How can I be sure of that, Ma'am? Maiden: Believe me, I got it straight from the dragon's mouth. St. George: 11:45 pm. I rode over the King's Highway. I saw a man. Stopped to talk to him. Pardon me, Sir. Could I talk to you for just a minute, Sir? Knave: Sure, I don't mind. St. George: What do you do for a living? Knave: I'm a knave. St. George: Didn't I pick you up on a 903 last year for stealing tarts? Knave: Yeah. So what? Do you wanna make a federal case out of it?? St. George: No, Sir. We heard there was a dragon operating in this neighborhood. We just want to know if you've seen him. Knave: Sure, I seen him. St. George: Mmm-hmm. Could you describe him for me? Knave: What's to describe? You see one dragon, you seen 'em all. St. George: Would you try to remember, Sir? Just for the record. We just want to get the facts, Sir! Knave: Well, he was, you know, he had orange polka dots . . . St. George: Yes, Sir. Knave: Purple feet, breathing fire and smoke . . . St. George: Mmm-hmm. Knave: And one big bloodshot eye right in the middle of his forehead and, uh, like that. St. George: Notice anything unusual about him? Knave: No, he's just your run-of-the-mill dragon, you know. St. George: Mmm-hmm. Yes, Sir. You can go now. Knave: Hey, by the way, how you gonna catch him? St. George: I thought you'd never ask. A Dragonet. 3:05 pm. I was riding back into the courtyard to make my report to the lab. Then it happened. It was the dragon. Dragon: Hey! I'm the fire-breathin' Dragon! You must be St. George, right? St. George: Yes, Sir. Dragon: I can see you got one of them new .45 caliber swords. St. George: That's about the size of it. Dragon: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! You slay me!! St. George: That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Dragon: What do you mean? St. George: I'm taking you in on a 502. You figure it out. Dragon: What's the charge? St. George: Devouring maidens out of season. Dragon: Out of season?!? You'll never pin that rap on me!! Do you hear me, cop?!?! St. George: Yeah, I hear you. I got you on a 412 too. Dragon: A 412!!! What's a 412?!?!? St. George: Over-acting. Let's go. Narrator: On September the 5th, the Dragon was tried and convicted. His fire was put out and his maiden-devouring license revoked. Maiden devouring out of season is punishable by a term of not less than 50 or more than 300 years.


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