THE MERMAID 
A Monologue by Cyril Fletcher


On Brighton beach some time ago
A boatman by the name of Joe,
Looked up and in amazement saw
A mermaid washed up on the shore.
His eyes bulged as without delay
She rose, and shaking off some spray
Proceeded to remove her tail,
And put same in a near-by pail;
Joe was astounded, rubbed his eyes,
The mermaid then to his surprise
Said in a foreign voice "Ah, oui!
Monsieur, I do not like ze sea!"
From where before her tail had been,
A pair of shapely limbs were seen,
And Joe said "Cripes, this is a case!"
And could not look her in the face.
She said to Joe "Let's get away!
I'm sick of seeing waves and spray
Like jelly wobbling up and down,
Monsieur, let's go and see ze town?."
Joe's blushes matched his ginger hair
For mermaids have no clothes to wear!
He muttered "I shall get it strong
If Watch Committee come along."
Quite a few people stopped to smirk
A newsboy shouted out, "Nice work!"
Some more collected - quite a jam
Watched them about to board a tram.
The tram conductor watched them come,
Then said to Joe "Oi, nark it, chum!"
Joe said to him, quiet as can be,
"She's just a mermaid from the sea.
The tram-man said "Oh, yus, old bean!
And what are you - the fairy queen?"
A policeman quickly hove in view,
Took out his book, said "What's to do?"
The mermaid glanced and said "I guess
I love your Engleesch policemen - yes!"
Sad to relate this copper brave
Fell for her charms, became her slave,
And leaving poor Joe in the lurch
Married the cop in Brighton church.
All she left Joe was the pail
Containing her discarded tail!
Joe, sore at being left so flat,
Gave it to the lodger's cat.