UPTOWN POKER CLUB, THE
(Jean Havez / Bert Williams / William Vodery)
Jerry Reed - 1973
Well now, Bill Jackson went to ol' Dud (sic)
To join the Uptown Poker Club
And he cursed the day he ever told anybody he joined
'Cause his money used to go like it had wings
When he had queens somebody else had kings
And every night he'd just sit there donatin' all his coins
He said, "Boys, now I'm gonna play it right tonight
I'm gonna watch them cards and I'm gonna play 'em tight
And then when I come in there, son, my hand's gonna be a peach"
Well he played 'em tight but after awhile
He done lost his self a considerable pile
So he got mad, he stood up and he made this little speech
"Now, boys, you see this razor, well I had it sharpened just today
Now I'm comin' in here with my rules that everybody gonna follow when they play
Now you, Clyde, you keep your hands on top of the table when you're dealing, please
Quit takin' them little wild cards and stickin' em down there between your knees
And Jesse, quit makin' all them funny signs like you tryin' to tip off your hand
You better talk to me in American, son, American, so I can understand
And Leroy, quit takin' em offa the bottom, ooh, that's rough
Just take five off the top, then stop, that's enough
Then pass me them cards, son, let me cut on them things every time before you deal
I like to handle them things, boy, I like to see
'Cause I got news for you, lad, you ain't playin' this game accordin' to that fella Hoyle there
Uh, no, tonight you're playin' this game accordin' to me"
Well now a sittin' around the table in that there game
There just happened to be this ol' one-eyed man
And Bill kept watchin' him out of the corner of his eye
This old one-eyed cat, he'd been dealin' kinda funny
He done took a whole bunch of big Bill's money
So Bill rose up and he looked around the room and with a sigh
He said, "Hmm," said, "It's an awful shame"
Said, "There's somebody cheatin' in this here game"
Said, "Of course it ain't gonna do for me to stand up here and mention the guy
So I'll refrain from calling that party's name
But you let me catch him cheatin' just once again
And I'm gonna take my fist and I'm gonna close that other eye"
"Now you see this razor well I had it sharpened just today
Now I'm comin' in here with my rules that everybody must follow when they play
Now Clyde, you keep them bony hands up here on top of the table when you're dealin' please
Don't go takin' them little wild aces, stickin' em off down there between your knees
And Jesse, cut out makin' all them monkey signs, you still tryin' to tip off your hand
You better talk to me in American, big AA, so's I can understand
And Leroy, quit takin' em off the bottom of the deck, son, I tell ya that's rough
This is an army game son, take five then halt, that's enough
Then pass me them pasteboards over here, let me cut them things every time before you deal
'Cause I like to delve in there, son, I got to see
But I got news for you, boys, you ain't playin this game accordin' to that fella Hoyle there, uh-uh
Tonight you're playin' this game accordin' to me"
"Now then, seein' as how you all know that I didn't ride in here on a head o' cabbage
Henry, if you'll break out another deck of them bicycles, me and the boys will get on with the business
But keep your eye on that fella wearin' the patch, he holds them cards kinda funny
Ha-ha, if he ain't careful somebody around this table liable to jack his jaw
Ha-ha-ha-ha, ah, son, I feel like my luck just changed
(Transcribed by Mel Priddle - January 2013)
