YOU AIN'T GETTING SHIT FOR CHRISTMAS
(Grenga, Stevens, Johnson) 
Smelly Water with The Alan Pinchloaf Singers


They say Christmas is a time for giving - at least that's what the 
good book says, and at our house every Christmas Eve my son and 
daughter and their families drive down from the big city for an old 
fashioned family holiday. Ma dresses the house up like a Christmas 
card, you can hear her in the kitchen singing while she's baking 
cookies for the children. Ma spends hours wrapping the presents 
she's been buying since last August and hangs all the stockings over 
the fireplace. The morning of, I cut me down the prettiest darn 
Christmas tree you ever saw in your life. Eh, this year we really 
outdid ourselves. You know, Ma and I are getting on in our years so 
we decided to give the kids tax-free cash gifts of $10,000 apiece.

(barking)

I reckon it was around noon, I heard the dogs barking (yells "Come 
Rags!, Come Guzzler!") and there was Jim the mailman in his old 
santa cap, coming up the walk teasing the dogs, holding a package. 
Well he handed it over to me and says "Pappy, looks like you got an 
overnite package from your daughter". I went back in the kitchen and 
Ma tore it open. To our horror we unwrapped a fruitcake with a note 
that read...

"Aloha Ma & Dad, at the last minute we got a cheap fare on the 
internet and went to Hawaii. Hold onto our gifts until after the 
first of the year. Love, Princess."

Well, Ma's heart was broken and I felt a lump in my throat as I 
thought to myself...

You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas 
You can shove that fruitcake up your ass 
well you ain't getting shit 
no you ain't getting dick 
you ain't getting shit for Christmas

You know, Ma hasn't had a drink in 20 years and I've been off the 
sauce a while myself and heck, if there was ever an excuse to start 
drinking again. (sfx-doorbell) Who in tarnation could that be, 
Junior and his family? It was some delivery fella standing there 
holding what looked like a fruitcake tin with a card attached.

"Pop, the company's condo is free this week and you know how much 
Pumpkin and I love Hilton Head. Please forward our gifts to this 
address."

(sfx-cork and pouring sound)

Hey Ma, save some for me. Well, Ma took a coniption things turned 
ugly. She started breaking things and hurled the turkey and those 
two fruitcakes right through the front window, the whole time she 
was yelling...

You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas 
You can shove that fruitcake up your ass 
well you ain't getting shit 
no you ain't getting dick 
you ain't getting shit for Christmas

(repeat, fade)



(Contributed by boB Cartlidge - December 2002)